


Phoenix down

by ColdPorridge22



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fire, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hospitals, Hurt Phil, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-05-29 17:57:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 33,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6386527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColdPorridge22/pseuds/ColdPorridge22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil does something heroic, but gets gravely injured. Dan gets a profound lesson in taking people for granted as he is faced with possibly losing Phil forever.</p><p>On the long road to recovery they struggle to keep their feelings to themselves, because they're both absolutely sure the other doesn't feel the same way. But that might hurt more than it helps...</p><p>FINISHED!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

 

It was a Tuesday and the sky was overcast. Light rain drizzled down on the almost deserted street as two grouchy figures exited a desolate train station in a village just east of London.

 

Well, 'exited' might be an understatement for one of them. It wasn't _really_ his fault - he had just been optimistic and overestimated his ability to navigate the turnstile whilst lugging some camera equipment. The laws of nature and the onset of Murphy's law proved him wrong, as both he and his tripod skidded headlong across the floor.

 

The second figure crossed the turnstile safely and huffed derisively.

 

"How did you manage to do that!"

 

Phil was sprawled on the pavement, inspecting his scuffed palms with a groan.

 

"I'm doing great, thanks Dan." Phil answered sarcastically.

 

"9.6 for the dive by the way. Would've been higher if you stuck the landing."

 

"I'll be sure to practice that."

 

Dan grabbed the tripod - or rather the tri- _part_ , as it had broken on the concrete.

 

"Phil! Look what you did! That thing cost me an arm and a leg!"

 

"Oh no!" Phil moaned. "I'm really sorry!"

 

"You'd better fix this, or you're paying for a new one." Dan said angrily, waving the tripod under Phil's nose threateningly.

"I will, don't worry about it." Phil swore and scrambled up.

 

These kinds of accidents were not a rare occurrence and usually didn't faze the boys anymore. But Dan was sleep deprived, stressed and generally not in a good mood. And Phil was already at the start of what would be a _really_ bad day.

 

"No, I'm sick of this! You're always so clumsy! You'd better be more careful with _my_ stuff, Phil!"

 

Phil wiped his hands on his jeans and winced because he'd forgotten he'd scraped his palms.

 

"No need to bite my head off." He bit back. He took the tripod from Dan and stalked off in the direction of their filming location without a glance back.

 

Dan just rolled his eyes and followed after him.

 

###

 

Regret set in not too long after. If Dan was honest, it wasn't really Phil's fault. If he was about to fall like that, he would have stretched out his hands as well, to take the brunt of the impact. So what if some tripod got dropped in the process?

 

To be completely fair, Dan would have to say his overreaction had very little to do with the equipment at all. He had been so tired for so long, some days he hardly knew which way was up. That was the price to pay for being a semi-famous YouTuber. There were videos to make, tours to plan, projects to work on... and then came days like these. Days when they'd have to travel to ungodly locations and do a long day of shooting with long, unproductive waits between takes. And they had had to get up at an ungodly hour... they had to be present at 9 AM, who were these savages?

 

That wasn't the only reason Dan was in a bad mood. He was having increasing difficulty with a very particular problem. He'd had feelings for Phil since he met him - although he only got his head out of his ass about four years ago when Louise point blank told him what was going on with him. Before he'd worked up the courage to say something, Phil had merrily informed him he was going on a date with some skank whose name he had forgotten. What's-her-face had lasted three months and Phil hadn't seemed very upset when it ended, but one thing was clear: Phil had asked her on a date, not Dan.

 

For years Dan resolved to just be content with having Phil as a friend, so when the awkwardness of 2012 had passed, they'd gotten closer as friends. Dan never pushed for more and Phil never had seemed to want to. It was great the way it was. Phil never needed to know Dan had any feelings at all. They worked.

 

That had changed when a close friend had gotten married recently. The green eyed beast living in Dan's stomach had reared its head and growled its discontent. Why shouldn't Dan deserve to be happy? That envy had gnawed at him ever since and it had gotten worse day by day. Because by now, he'd realized that there couldn't be anyone for him but Phil.

 

But Phil wasn't into Dan, there was lots of work to be done and not enough time to do it. So Dan was in a really bad mood. As King of Healthy Coping Mechanisms, Dan had taken his frustration out on Phil today. _Bravo_.

 

Dan sighed and resolved to apologize to Phil. He increased his pace to a slow jog, intent on catching up to Phil when he turned the corner.

 

###

 

"Wow!" Phil exclaimed when he rounded the corner.

 

Dan almost ploughed into him, but managed to get to a skidding halt.

 

"Holy shit!" He gasped when he saw what had made Phil stop in his tracks.

 

Across the street, a house was burning. A handful of people were standing outside, clearly panicking. The rest of the street was deserted.

 

"My girls! My babies! They're inside, you have to help!" A woman sobbed, shaking a pale faced man by the shoulders. Next to her, an old woman and a little boy were similarly distraught and didn't seem capable of helping.

 

"I will, I will! I just need my phone, then the fire brigade can-" The man said weakly. He was clearly not going to be much help.

 

"Dan, call 999. Now." Phil said brusquely and then turned to the woman.

 

"Where are they?"

 

"My youngest is in her crib on the first floor, the bedroom on this side. The oldest is in the attic." The woman said tremulously, clutching her son close to her.

 

"Phil, you're not going to-" Dan started as he realized what Phil was about to do.

 

"Make the call, Dan." Phil said in a tone that brooked no argument and before Dan could say anything else, Phil had gone.

 

As Dan fumbled for his phone, he felt genuine fear rising in his throat. The house was on _fire_ , real, burning fire. And Phil just went in there.

 

He called.

 

###

 

The first thing Phil noticed was the smoke. As soon as he stepped into the house, black clouds billowed around him, restricting his ability to breath. He would have to do this quick, before he himself would get trapped in this house.

 

Above the roar of the flames, he heard a shrill cry. That must be the oldest, he realized. He would have to go to the attic first. That's where he saw the most flames earlier, so the sooner that floor was cleared, the better.

 

He clutched his shirt to his mouth and bounded up the stairs two steps at a time. On the landing, he could hardly see anymore. The smoke was so thick, it was almost midnight. He groped around, looking for the stairs to the attic. Fire swam into his vision as he found the stairs.

 

The stairs would not be functional for long, he imagined. The fire raged above him and had also started down the stairs.

 

A brief memory flitted across his vision, when he was younger playing with candles. His brother showed him, just move your hand quickly over the flame and you will hardly feel it. Do it slow, and you will burn.

 

 _Quickly then_.

 

He would've taken a deep breath to steel himself, but it was no use because of the smoke. He darted up the second flight of stairs, quick as he could. He stepped on burning steps but just kept going. On the next landing, he sprinted towards the hysterical cries of the little girl.

 

He couldn't see anything, couldn't breathe but by some stroke of luck, he grabbed her and pulled her close to his chest. The girl was thankfully not too heavy and she clung to him for dear life. She was crying in panic. Only when Phil wrapped his arm around her to steady her as he raced down the stairs, did he notice that her hair was on fire.

 

Just then, one of the steps gave way to the fire. Phil cried out in pain when he felt his foot slip through and his shin crash hard against the lower step. Pain lashed up his leg but he could not stop. He wrangled his leg free, because no matter how painful that was, the fire was spreading fast and he had to get outside.

 

His eyes and lungs were burning from the smoke, his legs felt like they might actually be on fire, but he could not stop. The whole house groaned and creaked around him and Phil knew it was only minutes from collapse.

 

He was almost surprised when he found the front door again and burst through it. The first face he saw was Dan's, completely stricken with panic. He gave the little girl to him.

 

"Take her. Her hair. Help h-" Phil broke off, coughing. Dan immediately used his coat to smother the flames. Phil's lungs seared with pain as he continued to cough.

 

Phil thought he heard sirens in the distance and he knew they were too far off to save the other girl. The baby in the crib. He would have to go in again. He knew what he needed to do. If this was the last thing he'd ever do, he'd be proud of what he'd done with his life. But he needed to do it fast.

 

"Dan." He said softly. When the other boy looked up, he grabbed his hand. Phil swallowed thickly. What does one say at such an occasion? He had so much he still wanted to tell Dan, what could he say when it might be the last thing he'd say? How much he loved him, how proud he was of the man he'd become, how much better his life had become when he met Dan?

 

"Thank you."

 

Dan's eyes went wide as he cottoned on. But before Dan could answer, Phil went back inside.

 

 _I just need to get out again quick, so I can tell you the rest_.

 

###

 

When Phil entered the house again, he thought he shouldn't have gone in any later, because the creaks and the groans and the roar of the fire told him this house wasn't going to last much longer.

 

He was partly right. It was already too late.

 

The second flight of stairs, to the attic where he'd just been, gave way just as Phil reached the bedroom on the first landing. With a heavy sigh, the attic stairs collapsed and crashed down the stairwell. Steps, bannisters and flaming embers all rained down. He couldn't see, the smoke was too thick, but he definitely felt it when a wayward bannister knocked him off his feet. He stumbled and fell just before he could get into the bedroom.

 

He twisted round to get the bannister off, but at that very moment, half the attic gave way. He cried out in pain when something heavy crashed down on the right side of his chest, and he felt his ribs breaking as it crushed down. He yelled again when something sharp burrowed into his belly.

 

He tried to breathe, but he only inhaled smoke. The pain intensified when he pushed the heavy object off his chest, ribs and lungs screaming in protest. Then he ripped out the object in his stomach. If he still could have yelled, they would have heard him in Manchester, it hurt so badly. He needed to get out -  _now_ \- or he would die here and burn. Or burn first and die then. And Phil wasn't about to burn or die if he could avoid it.

 

With what he could later only explain as a pure surge of adrenaline, he stumbled into the bedroom, groping around flaming bedding and debris and found the baby. It was crying hysterically, but that was better than silence. He couldn't remember his last breath of oxygen and he felt his shirt getting wetter with blood pouring out of his wounded stomach.

 

He was losing, he knew. His vision was blurring, a roaring, thunderous sound in his ears overpowered his thoughts. He felt his strength leaving him, as if that, too, flowed out of his wounds. The house collapsed around him and the exit was barred now. A blazing pile of debris blocked the door, the only light in the black fog surrounding him. No - not the only light - the window!

 

Phil did the only thing he could do. He yanked open the window, held the baby close to him, and jumped.

 

In a last feat of consciousness, he twisted round so the baby would land softly on him. Agony erupted from his ribs as he landed and his last thought was, _I hope one of those sirens is for me_.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 

All Dan could smell was burning hair, but the girl he was consoling was the last thing on his mind.

 

_Thank you._

 

Phil had grabbed his hand, thanked him and disappeared into that hell hole. _Thank you for what?_

 

It had sounded suspiciously like _goodbye_.

 

Dan had never felt fear like this. Everything screamed at him that this was _bad_.

 

The fire was loud, like a hell beast roaring and groaning, and the house was clearly not going to last much longer.

 

"Oh my God!" It was the old man who noticed first.

 

Parts of the building started to collapse, one side sinking in on itself which a huge noise.

 

He heard Phil's scream amongst the crash.

 

"Phil!" Dan yelled, running towards the house. Someone was holding him back, some idiot who didn't get that _Phil_ was in there, _his_ Phil.

 

He tried to wrench himself free as an avalanche of smoke and debris washed over them, and Dan turned away and covered his nose and mouth.

 

It was hard to breathe and for a minute he couldn't see. He could only hear the fire, the sirens, people screaming... but all he wanted to hear was Phil.

 

The cloud of smoke wafted away and he regained vision. The first thing he saw was Phil, wrenching open the upstairs window. More smoke billowed out and his figure was obscured.

 

_"Phil!"_ Dan yelled. He couldn't... was he really going to jump?

 

But before the thought had fully formed in his head, Phil had taken the plunge. Dan couldn't see it well, but the sound of his body hitting the flagstones, the crack of bones, was something he would relive in his nightmares for a long time to come.

 

###

 

The mother had beaten him to Phil, though he had no idea where she'd come from.

 

She was crying hysterically - or was that a baby?

_Phil had saved the baby._ Dan thought dimly.

 

His friend wasn't moving and there was blood.

 

_So much blood._

 

"Jesus Christ." He gasped as he saw the source of most of the blood. Phil's shirt was a red ruin and the most damage appeared to be to his stomach.

 

Dan pressed his hands to the wound, trying to staunch the flow of blood.

 

"Don't die... Phil, come on, this isn't funny." He was sobbing, trying to keep his best friend together with his own hands.

 

"Come on, wake up..."

 

Dan turned tear filled eyes to his best friend's face... he wasn't breathing.

 

Blood lazily poured out of his mouth but there was no oxygen, no life giving air to go with it.

 

"No... no, no, no..." Dan moaned. This couldn't be happening. This wasn't real.

 

"Out of the way!"

 

Three medics were suddenly by his side, one taking over Dan's job of applying pressure to the wound and another intubating his friend. The third shouted instructions.

 

"We need to move him, quickly. That house isn't going to last!"

 

It was all a blur, Dan couldn't understand a word, people were pulling him this way and that... above all, he was terrified. Because it wasn't looking good. The urgency in the medics' voices told him that much.

 

Somehow he managed to find himself in the back of an ambulance. Phil was on the stretcher.

 

_Jesus Christ_.

 

Now that they were in the ambulance, hurtling towards the nearest hospital, Dan could see the full extent of his friend's injuries. The EMTs were still intubating, but now Dan understood why. The right side of Phil's chest had concaved.

 

"Male, late twenties, unresponsive. Laceration to the abdomen, several broken ribs, collapsed lung." One EMT summed up.

 

"Still not breathing. Blood pressure dropping." Another said.

 

"How long till St. Helen's?"

 

"3 minutes."

 

"Blood pressure is still dropping. We're losing him!"

 

"He's flatlining! Starting CPR!"

 

All Dan could do, was watch in horror as the medics ruthlessly pressed down on his roommate's sternum, battering his abused chest and for a second he had the idiotic thought _'They're hurting him._ '

 

But they weren't.

 

He was dead.

 

That's what flatlining meant, right? No heart beat.

 

Dan forced himself to look at Phil's face. It was grey and waxen, completely still. It didn't look real.

 

The real Phil was happy and bouncy and... no, he couldn't let this happen. Dan broke through his freeze and grabbed Phil's arm.

 

"Come on, Phil, fight back!" He pleaded, voice thick with tears.

 

The EMTs were still doing CPR, counting out their actions.

 

"Come on, come on, you have to fight, you have to live!" Dan urged. "You can do this, you can, come on!"

 

"We've got a pulse!" An EMT said.

 

"Operating Theatre 3 is prepped, let's go!"

 

They had arrived at the hospital and the EMTs were out the ambulance before Dan had fully registered that they'd just revived Phil right then and there.

 

He hurried after them, his heart in his throat, cheeks wet, as they wheeled the stretcher through the emergency entrance, through double doors and into surgery.

 

At the last double doors, a nurse stopped him in his tracks.

 

"Sir, you can't go through there. You'll have to wait here."

 

"But my friend... I have to.." Dan pleaded.

 

"They're doing everything they can, sir. Please just wait here."

 

"But I..." Dan said, confused. Didn't they understand? He needed to be there, to do something.

 

"Here, you have some wounds as well. Let's get you cleaned up." The nurse said kindly, gently steering him into a check up room.

 

"But... Phil... he was just dead... and now he's not, I have to help!" Dan babbled.

 

"I think he's going into shock. Grab me a blanket?" The nurse was saying, but he didn't see to whom. His vision was whiting out at the edges, the fire still raging in his ears and he didn't even feel himself going down.

 

###

 

When he woke up, he was still in the check up room.

 

It didn't really register... but then he remembered.

  
He shot up from the bed.

 

_Phil_.

 

"Calm down, you've just had a bit of a black out." The nurse had appeared in the doorway. She was older, maybe late 50s judging by the grey hairs outnumbering the brown.

 

"Phil... my friend. What's happening? How long was I out?" Dan demanded angrily. How the hell could they have let him sleep?

 

"He's still in surgery. You've been out for about half an hour. Still no news, which is good news for now. He's in bad shape."

 

Dan sat down hard, all fight leaving him.

 

"What's going to happen?" He asked in a small voice.

 

The kind old nurse sat next to him and patted his hand.

 

"The doctors are doing everything they can. And so is your friend. Remember that. He's still alive and that means there's hope."

 

Dan tried to process that, but the memory of Phil's grey, dead face swam to the surface and he choked back a sob.

 

"Does he have any family that should be notified?" The woman prodded gently.

 

Dan nodded dumbly, still caught up in memories.

 

"Can you contact them?"

 

"Er.. yes. My phone. Where's my phone?" Dan shook himself. _Focus, Howell. You can't break down now._

 

"Here, we took it when we treated you." The nurse handed him a little box with his phone, wallet and keys. "You can wait in the room across the hall. It's a bit more private than the hall. Tell them we're in St. Helen's hospital, Dartford."

 

As Dan made his way to the little waiting room, he saw seven missed calls, all of the people involved in the video project he and Phil were supposed to do today. He couldn't give two shits about them.

 

Because Phil was somewhere in this building, fighting for his life.

 

He pushed those thoughts aside, he needed to focus. He had a job - get Phil's family here.

 

But his grasp at stability proved tenuous at best, because when Phil's mum picked up, Dan could not keep the tears out of his voice.

 

"Hi... mrs. Lester? It's Dan... er... it's Phil. He's in the hospital."

 

"Oh my goodness! What happened!"

 

"There was a fire... and he saved people and h-h-he-"

 

Dan broke.

 

"He's hurt." Dan cried. "Really badly. You need to come."

 

Mrs. Lester was crying too, but she wanted to know.

 

"How badly? Tell me the truth."

 

"It's b-bad." Dan said through his tears. "He's in surgery now. You just need to come quickly."

 

As he gave her the address, he realized it would be hours and hours before they would make it down to Dartford.

 

He called Martyn next. Martyn was in _Ireland_. Jesus, that would take even longer.

 

Unbidden thoughts came to his head when he hung up.

 

What if Phil didn't make it?

 

He'd died in the ambulance and the amount of blood he lost, the damage to his chest and stomach... there was no way a human being could -

 

_No. Stop it._ Dan fought with himself. _He's still in surgery, so he's still alive. He's fighting and he's going to goddamn win._

 

But what if..?

 

Dan sat down on the uncomfortable wooden chair in the waiting room, praying to every deity he knew. _Let him be okay. Let him live_.

 

Phil didn't deserve to die. He was a damn hero.

 

He saved _two_ children.

 

If any human had a right to live, it would be Phil. He hardly swore, he was a ray of sunshine in everyone's life. He was incredibly creative and funny and just the _best_ human Dan had ever met. Someone like that couldn't die, right?

 

He looked around the room for answers, but found none. The faded wallpaper looked about as bleak as Dan felt and the clock ticking along solemnly told him that he'd only been in the room a few minutes.

 

_No news is good news. Surgery can take hours_.

 

But what if..? He thought again.

 

With a jolt of horror, he remembered the tripod. He'd bitten Phil's head off and Phil had stormed off. He hadn't even apologized.

 

What if Phil died thinking Dan was mad at him? What the hell was the fight even about? He couldn't remember that, only the hurt look in Phil's eyes before he turned away.

 

_One of the last times I saw him alive._ Dan thought with cold horror settling in his stomach.

 

He never once let on how much he cared about Phil, how much he loved him. What if he never got the chance again? What if all they would ever be, forever more, was just two friends? And Dan being a pretty lousy friend at that.

 

What if he died..?

 

Dan's life would never be the same again. He wouldn't just lose a friend, just a roommate. Phil was so much more. _They_ were so much more... weren't they? Dan couldn't imagine ever having the same bond he had with Phil, with someone else.

 

He couldn't live without him. He'd known that for years. But it had been years since he actually acted like it.

 

And now it might be too late.

 

Dan put his head in his hands and cried and prayed like he had never prayed in his life.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

 

It was an hour of solitary waiting before Dan's restlessness took over. Leaving the little waiting room, he turned into the corridor in search of a bathroom. He had been staring at the smear of blood on his jeans for the last forty minutes, left there probably by his own hands. He remembered the blood washing over his fingers when he tried to stop the flow, his fingers useless against the tide. His hands seemed reasonably clean now - the nurses had probably cleaned him up a bit after he passed out. Still, around his nails there was still dried crimson, taunting him. He shuddered at the memory and pushed it away.

 

_Don't think about that._

 

He found the bathroom easily enough - the whole waiting area was not too big. Along the corridor, two more little waiting rooms were situated, though Dan only heard a hushed and anxious conversation from one of the rooms as he passed.

 

The bathroom was cramped and badly lit, but Dan could clearly see in the mirror: he hadn't escaped as unscathed as he thought. Along his cheek there were a few scrapes and cuts, and two across his temple and forehead that had warranted a butterfly bandage.

 

 _I hadn't even noticed that_. Dan thought with a sort of detached surprise.

 

He'd had more pressing matters on his mind to think about such futilities. He wondered how he'd gotten them. Probably when half the building collapsed and debris and glowing embers had whirled around them. That would also explain the angry red mark on his jaw and another on his forearm. Burns, but not too serious.

 

He scrubbed his hands thoroughly, until no red remained. It felt good to do something productive; it gave him an escape from the terror of his thoughts.

 

Next, he went to the nurses' station and found the kind old nurse. Ruth, her name was, he read on her name tag.

 

"Hi," he began nervously. "Still no news?"

 

Ruth shook her head, greying curls bobbing along.

 

"No news, dear. And remember, that's a good thing."

 

"I was wondering, I want to call a few friends and tell them what happened. Can they come and wait with me? I'm sure they'll want to come."

 

Ruth smiled apologetically at him from behind the counter.

 

"I'm afraid not, it's family members only. Hospital rules."

 

"But I..." Dan started - Ruth cut him off.

 

"You came along in the ambulance, that's different. We're not going to send you home. But no friends. Only when the patients are stable and out of the Intensive Care Unit."

 

Dan nodded numbly. His friends were not going to like that. _He_ was not going to like that. He could really use some people around him right now.

 

As he muttered his thanks and turned away to return to the privacy of his bleak little waiting cell, the double doors swung open.

 

A doctor, young but haggard looking, strode towards him. The grave look in the doctor's eyes made Dan stop in his tracks. Something was wrong.

 

Dan's heart dropped to his stomach. Something was _very_ wrong.

 

"Family of Michael Carrington?" He asked when he halted in front of him.

 

 _Phil's second name is Michael_. Dan thought dumbfounded.

 

"Second room." Ruth interrupted as she pointed in the right direction. The doctor nodded and walked past them.

 

"It's not him, dear." Ruth said in a low tone, trying to reassure him.

 

_It's not him. It's not Phil. Not Phil._

 

Not thirty seconds later a woman wailed loudly from the second room and a man shouted angrily. Brokenhearted sobbing followed. Apparently Michael Carrington had not made it.

 

_It's not Phil. But it could've been._

Dan's insides were frozen, dread seizing his heart.

 

_It could still be._

 

Dan fled to his waiting room, slid down on the floor and covered his ears to block out the grief-stricken crying from the next room.

 

_It could still be Phil._

 

###

 

After the Carrington family left the room next to him an eerie silence descended on the hospital. Dan's thoughts spiraled into a dark vortex, only death on his mind. That was the darkest hour he'd been through yet.

 

Eventually he called a few friends to stop himself going stir crazy, but the phone calls were something he never hoped to repeat in his life. Especially Louise was almost hysterical. PJ was only saying "it can't be, it can't be", until Sophie took over the phone from him. Every phone call after that got harder.

 

Also he called the project manager of the video they were supposed to be shooting today - _was that today? It feels like a million years ago_ \- and explained what had happened. After all, the man had spent the entire morning leaving voicemails and texting, in incrementally infuriated wording. Though he apologized profusely when the nature of their absence became clear to him.

 

Another three hours passed before Phil's parents arrived.

 

Phil's mum almost flew to him and hugged him before he could stand up - which was a good thing, because she was only half his size. Phil's father just patted him awkwardly on the back and sat next to him.

 

Dan took his good, sweet time hugging Phil's mum because he had just spent hours waiting, waiting, waiting. He thought they were both crying, but he was too tired, too strung out to care.

 

At least he wasn't alone anymore.

 

###

 

Dan didn't know how he made it through the rest of the day, but when the doctor finally came, it seemed like he'd been in the hospital only a minute and an eternity at the same time. It was starting to get dark outside and Ruth's shift had ended hours ago.

 

"Family of Phil Lester?" The doctor asked. He was a young doctor as well, maybe early thirties, with a mop of sandy blonde hair.

 

Dan and Phil's parents jumped up immediately.

 

"How is he?" Phil's father asked anxiously.

 

"Well, he's a tough young man, but he's not out of the woods yet. He has sustained serious injuries and he crashed twice - once in the ambulance and once more on the operating table. But he fought his way back both times."

 

Dan's heart sank. Phil had died _again_ in the operating theatre? _Jesus_.

 

"The damage is extensive. We had to remove the spleen and part of the liver and we patched up his stomach as best we could. The blood loss is most worrying, although he seems to be responding positively to the transfusions. His chest is another major point. The right side of his chest was crushed and as his ribs broke, they punctured the lung, which deflated. That combined with all the smoke he inhaled means we put him on a respirator. We did not manage to repair all of the damage, so we need to talk about more surgery if he makes it through the night."

 

"If?" Dan's voice sounded like it came from far away.

 

"I will not lie to you. Surgery was touch and go, he barely made it through. We only just managed to stabilize him enough so he can start healing. The next twelve hours are going to be crucial. If he makes that, I'll be much more optimistic."

 

Dan sank down on the chair again. This was insane. He couldn't do more waiting. Phil needed to be okay, he just needed to be.

 

"Can we see him?" Phil's mum asked.

 

"A nurse will come get you when he's settled."

 

The doctor left, but Dan hardly noticed. It was good, wasn't it, that Phil made it this far? He made it through surgery, that was what Dan had prayed for for the past eleven hours.

 

He should've realized that was only half the battle.

 

###

 

Dan just returned from the bathroom when the nurse came to get them.

 

"Are you Phil Lester's brother?" She asked, almost bored. She had a pretty enough face, but she seemed sleep deprived.

 

"Er, no, his friend." Dan answered awkwardly.

 

"Only family permitted in ICU." She said in a monotone voice.

 

Dan froze. He was going to see Phil. He'd waited eleven bloody hours in this hellhole. What did she mean he couldn't go to ICU?

 

Phil might die.

 

He needed to see him, he couldn't wait!

 

Dan started to panic, but suddenly Phil's mum appeared at his elbow.

 

"Dan _is_ family." She bit at the nurse, in a tone that challenged her to dare and disagree with her.

 

Phil's mum, 5 foot and 4 inches of fierce motherly protection, made Dan seem impossibly tiny and in a weird way, he felt sorry for the nurse.

 

The nurse's eyes shifted from Dan to Phil's mum and back, as if she were debating whether she'd push her rule or save herself the hassle.

 

Apparently she chose the latter as she shrugged and said: "Okay. Follow me."

 

An elated feeling swooped through him, but abated quickly when he realized: he would see Phil. Dan's stomach was churning and roiling as he was overcome by nerves. He had no idea what he would see. Would Phil even still look like Phil? He tried to mentally prepare himself, but he found that he couldn't. How do you even prepare for something like this?

 

Phil's mum seemed to feel - or share - his nerves as she gripped his hand tightly and whispered.

 

"He's a fighter, remember that. A fighter."

 

Whether she was talking to him or to herself, he didn't know. He didn't ask.

 

###

 

Dan almost thought they were being led to the wrong bed when they finally made it to ICU.

 

Phil wasn't this still, broken form on the bed. He looked more like a puppet. But the deathly grey tinge on his skin was eerily familiar, as was the black fringe. Otherwise, anyone could have been beneath the burns and the scrapes, the bandages and the tubes and wires.

 

Dan knew he was on a respirator, but it was another thing to actually see it. That thing was breathing for his best friend, because he couldn't do it on his own. The machine was whirring constantly and the heart rate monitor beeped dutifully along.

 

It was insane. It couldn't be real. Phil would jump up and say 'surprise!' and this would just be another one of his terrible jokes.

 

But no, this was real. His best friend, the guy he fell in love with, was on death's doorstep. And he'd never even told him, because... why? All the reasons he previously held sacred now seemed feeble and lame. Because what could matter more than Phil, by his side for the rest of his life?

 

_What do I do?_

 

Dan had no idea. He had never felt so helpless and so sad.

 

Phil's mum gingerly sat on one of the chairs next to the bed - as if her own movement could harm her son. With a trembling hand, she touched Phil's hand. Tears were rolling down her face.

 

"Oh my boy..." She said softly.

 

Dan felt his own eyes get moist. He'd given up on stifling his tears, but otherwise he still couldn't make himself move.

 

"Oh my God!" A soft gasp behind them.

 

Martyn and Cornelia had arrived.

 

Poor Martyn looked absolutely stricken at the sight of his little brother, but like Dan, seemed unable to move. Cornelia hugged him closely, shielding her face in the crook of his neck, as if she couldn't bear the reality of Phil's predicament.

 

Phil's dad moved to console his wife, who was sobbing quietly.

 

And Dan stood lonely between the two couples, the whirring and beeping of machines his only companions.

 

He looked at Phil.

 

 _When you wake up -_ when _not_ if - _I'm going to tell you what you mean to me. You can't go without knowing that. Please don't go. Please._

 

This was going to be a long night.

 

If they were lucky.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

 

An ICU nurse - Dan hadn't bothered to get her name - claimed that patients were more aware of their surroundings than one might expect. So she had encouraged them to talk to Phil and touch him, to let him know he wasn't alone.

 

She had also informed them no more than three people at a time were allowed in. The ICU was one big room with multiple beds, separated only by curtains. Nurses and doctors were scurrying around, going from one bed to the next, checking and writing down vitals and fiddling with the machines and administering injections. Dan could see how it would be difficult for the staff to work if too many people were gathered around a bed.

 

Phones were forbidden in the ICU, Dan learned as well. Any phone use, calls or texts, would have to be made from the waiting room. So when they were informed that two people would have to wait outside, he got up. First watch goes to the family, he reckoned. Cornelia seemed to have the same idea and left with him.

 

"I'd better let some friends know what's going on," Dan said to Cornelia. She nodded understandingly. She hadn't spoken since they arrived. The poor thing seemed shell shocked. She sat down and let her head rest on her hands. A pang of sympathy shot through him. He knew how she felt - he'd felt it all day.

 

He selected PJ in his phone, but his thumb hovered over the green call button.

 

He was so tired.

 

He didn't want to call and talk, because then he'd have to answer questions he didn't want to think about. He didn't want to repeat the doctor's word - _if_ \- the ominous word that haunted his mind. _If_ he makes it through the night, _if_ he starts breathing on his own, _if_ the blood transfusions prove sufficient, _if_ there's no complications, _if if if..._

 

He hated that word. He didn't want to have to use it.

 

So instead he typed a text.

 

_Phil's out of surgery, next few hrs are going to be crucial. family's here. will keep u updated. can't use phone in icu. no news is good news. pls dont spread this around. ur the only ones who know._

 

He sent it to all the friends he'd called earlier - PJ and Sophie, Louise, Bryony and Wirrow. Then he switched his phone to silent mode, as per the nurse's instructions, and stuffed it in his pocket.

 

He was exhausted.

 

Martyn came up to them then.

 

"I left mum and dad with him, I figured I'd keep you company. You must've had one hell of a day."

 

"Understatement." Dan said with a grimace.

 

Martyn leaned against the wall and looked at Dan. He looked like hell. Though Dan doubted any of them looked any better at this point.

 

"So, he saved two kids, huh?"

 

Dan nodded.

 

"From a burning house..."

 

He nodded again.

 

Martyn whistled.

 

"Just when I thought I couldn't be any prouder of him. I'm still going to kick his ass later though."

 

Dan snorted. "Get in line. I have a whole speech about self preservation planned."

 

"Are the kids alright?" Martyn asked.

 

Dan frowned. He hadn't even thought about that. He really should feel guilty about that...

 

"They were fine, I think. I didn't ask."

 

He stood and stretched. His back popped and he winced.

 

"Think your parents would mind if I went in?"

 

"If anyone should be in there, it's you. Shoo." Martyn waved.

 

Dan frowned - he hadn't told them about the tripod incident yet. The last words he'd spoken to Phil had been angry yelling. Martyn rolled his eyes, patted his shoulder and gave him a shove in the direction of the ward.

 

"Go on. He wants you there, I know it."

 

 _I'm not so sure about that_. Dan thought.

 

But he went.

 

###

 

Dan talked to a camera for a living, so one-sided conversations really shouldn't be a big deal. But when he finally worked up the courage to move to Phil's side, he found that he was lost for words.

 

His face, the face Dan loved, was littered with cuts, burns and bruises. The skin that wasn't marred, was tinged a sickly grey. His mouth was opened a bit to allow the respirator in. He wasn't moving a muscle. A white sheet covered his body, though his arms were resting on top of it. The bare skin - also mottled with bruises - told Dan he hadn't been dressed a shirt.

 

If anything went awry, the doctors would need quick access to the wounds, Dan supposed.

 

He should be talking and touching, letting his best friend know he was not fighting this fight on his own. His eyes roamed the still form, trying to figure out his next step.

 

He settled on sweeping the black fringe, trying to make it look like it should.

 

"Fringe check." He whispered.

 

 _That was stupid_. He mentally scolded himself.

 

He cleared his throat and tried again.

 

"Sorry about the stupid stuff I said about the tripod."

 

 _Marginally better..._ he stroked a finger across an unmarred area on his friend's cheek. The skin was soft, Phil was always soft, but cold as ice. If the machines hadn't told him otherwise, he would've thought his friend was... that something was seriously wrong. He couldn't even _think_ the d-word.

 

He turned back to Phil's parents, who had retreated a bit to give him space.

 

"He's so cold. Can't they give him another blanket?"

 

Apparently, they wanted to do something productive, because they left him to search for a nurse. Dan was left alone with Phil.

 

He looked around to check if no one was coming, then laced his fingers through Phil's. He bent down to whisper in his ear.

 

"I love you. So you need to wake up and get better, okay? Because I can't do this alone. I need you."

 

He checked behind him again. Phil's parents were on their way back - empty handed, he noted.

 

"I love you." He whispered again, then let go of Phil's hand and sat back.

 

The machines gave no indication his best friend had heard him.

 

###

 

They sat vigil for hours, the night dragging on slowly.

 

Dan got coffee that tasted like mud and paced up and down the waiting room, then sat by Phil's bed once again, murmuring nonsense. Phil liked talking about nonsense. Then he left again, to let a few of the others have their turn. Then the cycle would start again - coffee, pacing, back to Phil, then back to the waiting room.

 

Dan was the first to fall asleep on the uncomfortable wooden chairs in the waiting area.

 

He slept fitfully. At first he had a nice dream - maybe induced by the confession he'd made to his unconscious roommate earlier.

 

He dreamed they were at home, on Dan's bed. They were kissing, giggling and gasping into each other's mouths as hands wandered and groped, seeking purchase. They were pressed close, first Dan on top, then Phil, as they fought for dominance and explored each other.

 

It was heaven, it was everything Dan could ever imagine wanting.

 

But when Dan wrestled his way on top again, the kissing changed. Phil grew still and quiet under him. His body turned cold as ice. His hands fell away limply and when Dan brought his lips down again, he noticed his partner wasn't breathing.

 

They weren't kissing anymore.

 

He was doing CPR.

 

_"Out of the way!"_

 

An EMT pushed him away and Dan fell off the bed -

 

"NO!"

 

Dan woke up with a start and with a shout he fell off the chair.

 

"Dan!"

 

Hands grabbed him and held him, but Dan couldn't see who, because he was sobbing and shaking.

 

"No, no, no, he can't die, he can't..." He cried.

 

"Shhh, it's alright, it's alright! He's still alive, he's alive."

 

It was Phil's mum who held him. He grabbed her and hugged her tighter, whimpering into her shoulder.

 

"It was a dream, only a dream. He's still alive."

 

He calmed down slightly, but the dream was still firmly in his mind. He still felt the cold body against him, the still lips - he sniveled again.

 

He was drained, so bone-weary and befuddled that it was a while before he found his bearings. Phil's mother never once let go of him.

 

 _It was a dream_. He told himself firmly.

 

"What time is it?" He asked through a mouth full of cardigan.

 

"Quarter to five." Cornelia said.

 

"I need to see him."

 

He stumbled as he stood up, his muscles screaming at him. He must've slept in a terrible position, because he could hardly stand up straight. Cornelia grabbed him by the elbow and steered him in the right direction.

 

Phil's stats seemed unchanged, but Dan thought he looked a bit less grey. He laid his hand against his friend's cheek. It was not as cold as it had been, he was sure. At least it definitely wasn't as cold as in his dream.

 

"You need to kick this thing in the butt, Phil. I'm not even kidding." He croaked.

 

"You need to fight this. I'll help you any way I can, but you have to let me, okay?"

 

He sat by the bed for a long time, stroking his thumb over Phil's cheek.

 

###

 

Dan was almost startled by the glow of dawn he saw from the waiting room's window. The ICU was windowless, so time had a strange way of passing there.

 

"Wow, it's morning."

 

"Yup. Just past seven." Martyn yawned. Cornelia was asleep, her head in his lap.

 

"Are we getting close to the twelve hours the doctor mentioned?" He asked.

 

"We must be, what time did he say that?" Martyn asked.

 

"Wait, I texted PJ shortly after that, I'll check my phone." Dan remembered.

 

He hadn't checked his phone all night. There wasn't really any reason to; he had had no updates to share, no people to inform. The ICU strictly ruled that phones must be kept on silent. Besides, it had been night, so who would even be on their phone at that time?

 

The Americans, apparently.

 

Dan nearly dropped his phone in shock as he saw no fewer than 46 missed calls, mostly from various American friends and acquaintances.

 

"What the..."

 

Had they found out? He hadn't told anyone else, except a few friends. And _they_ wouldn't tell anyone, he was sure.

 

He opened What's App. He had nearly two hundred messages and, indeed, they were all about Phil.

 

"How the fuck did they find out?" Dan said, shell shocked.

 

"Find what out? What's going on?" Cornelia asked, sleepily.

 

Dan furiously scrolled through the texts and saw that one link was sent to him by various people:

 

_British YouTube star near death after heroic rescue_

"Holy shit." Dan groaned and he ran a hand down his face.

 

The article outlined the event of the fire and the injuries Phil had sustained, but what was worse... there was a picture.

 

 _A picture_.

 

Someone had leaked a picture of Phil. Dan studied the picture numbly. Phil was on a bed, a sheet covering his lower body. His upper body was, however, naked. Freshly stitched wounds on the abdomen and chest told Dan that this wasn't photoshop, it was too accurate. No, this was Phil right after surgery before they'd put the bandages on.

 

Rage filled him and before he knew it, he was stalking towards the nurses' station.

 

"Explain this!" He hissed venomously to a dark haired nurse.

 

"Sir?" She stammered confused.

 

Phil's parents and Martyn and Cornelia appeared by his side.

 

"Why is there a picture of Phil Lester going around on the internet? This picture was taken between surgery and dressing the wounds, so it must've been someone from the hospital!" Dan spat.

 

He was furious, he felt insanely betrayed.

 

The nurse seemed dumbfounded.

 

"And why is there a very accurate description of his wounds, can you tell me that?" Dan continued.

 

"Sir, I really don't know! It can't be any of us, it's against hospital policy to -" She started, but Dan cut her off.

 

"I've had about enough of your hospital policy!" He yelled.

 

Phil's father stepped in.

 

"Miss, I'm sure it wasn't you, but please find out who did this." He tried to reason.

 

Martyn was pulling Dan aside.

 

"Dan, calm down."

 

"I can't calm down! I need to know who did this and I need this article gone!" Dan continued to fume.

 

"Then call your representative from YouTube, they need to handle this shit, right?" Martyn replied.

 

"Hospital staff are looking into the photo." Phil's father had joined them.

 

Dan sagged into the chair and rubbed his forehead. A massive migraine was starting to build.

 

"Jesus, what a mess. I can't deal with this." Dan groaned. It was too much. After yesterday and this night, it was too much.

 

"Here, I'll do it." Cornelia said kindly. "Who do I need to call?"

 

Dan gave her the name and she went off to call somewhere a bit more private, so Dan wouldn't have to hear. He was eternally grateful for that, because he was truly at the end of his tether.

 

Right about now he could really, _really_ , use a nice patch of carpet to lie face down on.

 

###

 

"They're taking care of it." Cornelia stated simply when she returned half an hour later.

 

"Thank you so much." Dan sighed. She handed him his phone back.

 

"No problem."

 

"Any clue who leaked it?" He asked.

 

"They're working on it. We don't have to concern ourselves with that right now. We need to focus on Phil." She said.

 

Dan nodded, she was right.

 

As if on cue, the doctor appeared.

 

"Family of Phil Lester?" He asked.

 

They all stood up, nervously facing the doctor.

 

He smiled at them kindly.

 

"That's one hell of a fighter you have there. His stats are up, there are signs he'll start fighting the respirator soon. No sign of infection. I believe he'll make a full recovery."

 

They were whooping then, laughing and crying and hugging. Dan wasn't even sure who he was hugging, but it didn't matter, it never mattered. Euphoria spread through him, because it was all going to be okay.

 

The leaked photo, the past 24 hours, none of it mattered.

 

_He's going to be okay. Thank God, thank God, he's going to be okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a teensy cliffhanger about the leaked article! See, I'm not that cruel. I did want to say I'm putting up these chapters with no more editing than a quick once-over, so please excuse any typo you may find. Reviews give me life, so please leave one!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

 

The sun rose fully above the horizon as they walked out of the hospital, a soft pink hue coloring the sky. Dan had never seen a more glorious sunrise. Or maybe he was slightly biased due to the good news the doctor had given them.

 

The doctor had informed them that they would run tests and make scans, which would take the better part of the day. He had allowed them a few more minutes to visit with Phil, but then strongly urged them to go home and get some proper sleep.

 

Dan really couldn't argue with that. They were all beat and the ride home would be nearly an hour. And they _smelled_. 24 hours of unwashed terror will do that to a human being. They had debated getting a hotel nearby, but only Martyn and Cornelia had a change of clothes with them. So they settled on going back to London.

 

Dan fished out his phone when he settled into the back seat of the rental car Martyn had gotten. His phone was at 2% battery. Frankly, he was amazed it had lasted this long. He vaguely remembered charging it somewhere the previous day, thanks to a charger provided by a staff member. That was before the article had leaked though, because he hadn't seen the abundance of texts he'd seen this morning.

 

He groaned when he saw more missed calls and texts. It seemed Great Britain's entire supply of journalists had arisen from their slumber and had scoured the gossipy garbage left online by the American night crew.

 

He left his phone on silent.

 

He had no way of responding to any of them; he could hardly think straight right now. And besides, he had no obligation to respond to these scavengers in the first place; this was private. Journalists only cared for sensation and would probably enjoy tragedy more than Phil's expected recovery.

 

He did type a text to his closest friends into the group text they'd added him to. The people he'd called yesterday would be hankering for an update.

 

_Doc says he'll pull through! No battery, update later._

 

That would have to do for now. As the car rumbled soothingly, radio playing softly to break the silence, he looked out the window at the British countryside zipping by. He debated how to reply to the texts from other friends. People like Tyler Oakley, Jack and Dean, so many people who knew and loved his best friend. They would be worried as well.

 

His phone decided the matter by dying on him right then. Dan took it as a sign. Maybe it was for the better if he would instead just rest his eyes a little bit...

 

###

 

He woke up in his own bed slightly disoriented. He'd slept deeply and dreamlessly, thank God. Dan frowned as memories drifted back to him and he closed his eyes again.

 

_What a mess._

 

He was immensely relieved that Phil was going to make it. A full day of doubting and fearing that he might die would haunt him forever, but he would also never forget the doctor's alleviating words, the exultation he and Phil's kin had shared.

 

But the article - that thrice damned article - had put a spectacular damper on their collective sense of joy and triumph. He remembered the loathing lashing through his mind, heavy on his heart, the betrayal of being sold out by... someone. They didn't know who yet.

 

When Dan had returned to Phil's side to bid him goodbye for the day, the darkness in his soul had lifted almost immediately, melting like snow in the sun. The rush of pride and love he felt, the knowledge that Phil, _his_ Phil, had done it. He had fought and he had beaten the odds.

 

All in all, Dan imagined he had experienced pretty much the entire spectrum of human emotions that morning. No wonder he had completely zonked out when they'd finally made it home.

 

He checked his phone - thankfully, he'd remembered to charge it. It was 3 PM. He had more calls and texts, unsurprisingly. He scanned a few of them - great, some people were now offering money for exclusive interviews and pictures. He deleted all texts of unknown numbers.

 

He did note that many people sent him a lot of different links. It wasn't just the one article anymore. Other media picked it up and ran with it. Not only Tumblr and Twitter, but newspapers like The Sun and the Daily Mirror. There was even a link from the bloody BBC website. If their YouTube rep had tried to block the news, it had failed. The cat was well and truly out of the bag now.

 

That also meant, in an oddly peaceful realization, that it was no use trying to get it off the internet now. Instead he would only have to think about his response - no, _their_ response, Phil's family was involved too.

 

He stretched and figured he might as well face the day. A shower sounded like heaven right now.

 

Out of habit, he peeked around the corner into Phil's room when he left his own room. It was bizarre to see Phil's father sleeping on the bed where his son would normally be. Dan noted that Lester senior was sprawled out in the same fashion his son was wont to do. He made a mental note to tell Phil that when he woke up.

 

It was strange to have the house filled with various Lesters, especially since the most important Lester was not here. Phil's brother was in the living room, his girlfriend still asleep in the sofa bed in the office. He found Mrs Lester coming up the stairs, carrying a hamper.

 

"Oh hello, dear. You look much better. Have you slept well?"

 

"Like a rock. And you?"

 

"Oh, not too bad. The hospital called about an hour ago. No real news, he's doing well but he hasn't woken up yet, they said. Though they expect he will soon. We can't visit until after 6, apparently the radiology department is swamped. Figured I'd run a wash, so bring your laundry." She said, indicating the hamper.

 

Dan did as he was bid and took a long, hot shower after that.

 

6 PM gave him some time to decide on a course of action. He wanted to make a short video update, because he couldn't see how Twitter's 140 characters could encompass all the events of the previous day. He could also reach more people, seeing as more people subscribed to his YouTube account than his Twitter account. He would have to talk about his plan with Phil's family, he felt that was only decent. He certainly didn't want them out of the loop. They would have to form a unified front against the media frenzy. And they would need to decide, together, how to address the leaked photo and the article.

 

It was another hour before the others were all awake and showered. In the mean time, Dan called his YouTube representative. She had done some serious sleuthing, because she'd found out where both the article and the picture had come from.

 

Dan was stunned as he heard the news. The article had been leaked by none other than the producer Dan and Phil were supposed to meet yesterday. After Dan had called him and told him what had happened, he had seen his project go down the drain. As it turned out, this producer had money troubles. When he realized the project he'd put his last money in, in hopes for a great return on investment, was not going to happen for a _long_ time, he saw another opportunity to get some quick cash.

 

The other part of the equation was all the medical information and the photograph. The producer had a nephew who had developed a drug habit to get through the harsh reality of med school and was now an intern at St. Helen's. The intern quickly been found, as he shared a surname with the culprit. The boy, hardly any older than Dan, had claimed his uncle had threatened to tell his parents and the hospital of his drug use. It did not save him his job, Dan was told. He would never set foot in the hospital again.

 

Dan was strangely sad about that. Now he couldn't run into him at the hospital and knock his teeth out.

 

His representative reminded him that such behavior would be frowned upon by the Queen's justiciaries.

 

Dan reminded his representative that he didn't give a shit.

 

###

 

Dan shared the news and his plan with the others and they agreed Dan should do a video update. So it was with mixed feelings and a lot of nerves he sat down and turned his camera on for the most unconventional video he'd ever done.

 

He was uneasy as he tried to sort out his fringe in the view finder. He didn't fail to note his own scrapes, as well as the small burn on his jaw. He hoped this video wouldn't make him look like an attention seeker. There were probably people who would acclaim him as one. But they had decided on the united front on this PR disaster, so here he was.

 

"Hello internet. As some of you may be aware, Phil and I were in a bit of a situation yesterday. Well, that might just be a massive understatement. Short version, Phil is a bloody hero and he's going to be okay. Just FYI so you don't panic halfway through the video. Normally, this would be... private. There's some stuff we don't share with the internet, because we have our own lives and you might sympathize that we don't want every aspect of our lives spread around. We're not a product, we're not a commodity. We're humans and we have our privacy. That being said, the local media wasn't so clear on the distinction and now I have no choice but to give some sort of statement on my own."

 

Dan gulped. This would be the hard part. With shaking fingers he combed through his fringe again.

 

"It's true that Phil was really badly injured. He saved two little girls from a burning house, but it almost cost him his life. The house collapsed as he saved the last girl, a baby. I was outside, I got off easy - " he indicated the scrapes on his face - "but Phil was in the middle of it. And it was bad. Really bad. He wasn't breathing, he was bleeding a lot. He crashed once in the ambulance. That means his heart stopped. Jesus, that was the scariest moment of my life. You can't do anything, it's just up to the EMTs, you feel so helpless. And it hits you, your best friend just _died_ right then and there under your eyes. But they got him back. His heart started beating again and they were intubating him. And then we made it to the hospital and he was in surgery for eleven hours."

 

He let out a shaky laugh.

 

"It felt like eleven days. Or eleven years. Then the doctor comes and tells us he crashed again in surgery, but once again, they'd gotten him back. And he told us we'd need to wait and see if he makes it through the night, because it's looking bad. Well, that was a long night, I can tell you...  But the happy news is, he made it through the night and the doctors are optimistic he'll make a full recovery. He hasn't woken up yet and they're running tests now, but it's looking way better than yesterday.

 

There's a lot of stories going around in the media, but I guess, if you were to hear it from anyone, I wanted you to hear it from me. Phil's family's here and we agreed that I made this video, in case you were wondering. Everyone's really relieved and of course we're insanely proud of Phil, but we're all really angry about the leaked article as well. We're taking action on that, but we really just want to focus on Phil right now. I hope you'll respect our privacy, because we need it now more than ever. And no, we won't do any interviews. If I have any information I want you to have, you'll hear it from me directly. Please respect that and give us time and space to get through this. Oh, and I should thank all the medics and nurses and blood donors involved, because without them, I would have a much worse message for you guys. So... er, I guess that was the update. Thanks everyone for your support. Bye."

 

He ended the video. It was awkward and as he watched it back, he had stumbled over some words, but it was good enough. Dan didn't want to do a thousand retakes until he had articulated every word perfectly. Hopefully this video was the only of its kind, so it didn't matter anyway. He edited out some 'er's and pauses and then quickly put it online and tweeted the link. He all but slammed his laptop closed then.

 

Because it was time to get back to Phil.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

 

Phil was floating, but not in a peaceful, relaxing way. It was black all around him and he wasn't sure which way was up. All he saw, all around him, was a black, gaping abyss.

 

He thought at first he was drowning. That would be the worst way to go. He hated the deep sea. It had always been his greatest fear to drown. But it didn't feel like water... it wasn't wet, it wasn't cold...

 

In fact, he thought it might just be a thick, black smoke. But wouldn't he have trouble breathing then?

 

He tried to test this theory by inhaling a big gulp of air but he found that he couldn't. His body wasn't working. He tried to figure out why.

 

A jolt of terror shot through him.

 

Something blocked his throat. He felt it now - how could he not have noticed before? Something was choking him from the inside, something much too big lodged in his mouth and throat and he was gagging around it.

 

Desperately he tried to gulp in air, though none would pass his lips, instead it uselessly swirled around him.

 

Panic set in then.

 

He tried to claw at his throat, as his trachea spasmed and convulsed around the intrusion in a futile attempt to drag oxygen into his lungs.

 

He was burning then, his throat, his lungs, it was as though the black smoke overtook his body, blazing through him.

 

"Mr. Lester!"

 

_Help me_

 

"Phil, Phil, relax!"

 

He knew the voice, he'd heard it before, but why wasn't it helping? He was suffocating, he was terrified.

 

_Help me, please, whoever you are_

 

His eyes shot open and he was blinded. Intense light whited out his vision.

 

_Help me, please, why won't you help me_

 

A head appeared in front of him, _above him?_ , blocking the light, so that it looked like the brown hair was surrounded by a halo. Voices were calling in hurried tones, but only _he_ mattered.

 

_Is this it then?_

 

"It's okay, Phil, it won't hurt anymore." Dan whispered. There was love in those beautiful brown eyes he adored, but also fear and sadness.

 

If he could, he would have told Dan he was glad he'd been able to see him one last time.

 

But he couldn't. He wasn't drowning anymore, no longer trying to gasp for air. He wasn't floating anymore.

 

Instead, blackness overtook his soul and he fell.

 

###

 

"Scary, huh?" The nurse said as she finished the injection.

 

Dan nodded stupidly as he hovered over Phil.

 

The pained look was fleeting as his best friend sank into unconsciousness again, the lined grimace smoothing out. Soon it looked like he was only sleeping.

 

Dan fell back in his chair and let out a tremulous breath.

 

That _was_ scary. Bloody scary.

 

"It's a good sign. He woke up and his lungs are strong enough to fight the ventilator. It's actually sooner than we expected." The nurse continued as she rummaged around the machinery.

 

Dan really wanted to believe it was a good sign, but it was difficult. His best friend had been in a lot of pain and confusion, he could see that in his eyes. That was only to be expected with a tube down your throat.

 

A soft hand rested on his shoulder. He looked up.

 

The nurse smiled down on him kindly. She was young, maybe just a few years older than Dan, but infinitely more experienced in these matters.

 

"I'm sorry you had to see that. It's not easy to see someone you love in pain. But you should be very proud of him. Considering the circumstances, he's doing great. I mean, medically speaking. He's kicking ass and taking names."

 

Dan let out a laugh despite himself.

 

"Medically speaking he's kicking ass?"

 

"Pretty sure I read that term in one of my diagnostics textbooks." She grinned. "So, you his boyfriend then?"

 

Dan was taken aback.

 

"Er. No. No, no. Why?"

 

"Because we normally only allow family in ICU and we tend to include boyfriends and girlfriends, but not other friends."

 

 _I'm not just another friend_. He wanted to snap, but he shouldn't take his romantic frustrations out on friendly hospital staff.

 

"Just a friend." He answered meekly instead.

 

"Gotcha." She winked and squeezed his shoulder, a mischievous glint in her blue eyes.

 

"No, seriously. They let me in because I came with him in the ambulance." Dan avowed. And there was that nasty business with the intern who leaked the photo, that had earned them some serious goodwill with the hospital board of directors. But he didn't want to go into that.

 

She winced sympathetically and shook her head, which sent her strawberry blonde ponytail swinging softly.

 

"Geez, you've had your fair share of trauma then. His family at least escaped that. Where are they, anyway?"

 

"They're talking with the doctor, that was really family only, he said. They're talking about another operation to set his ribs properly, so I offered to hold the fort at the moment. They should be back soon. Phil has impeccable timing in that regard... Though he's not usually as successful in scaring the crap out of me." Dan rolled his eyes in exasperation.

 

The young nurse laughed, a sweet tinkling sound.

 

"Well, I'd better let the doctor know he woke up. Don't go getting revenge on my patient now, or I'll have to take appropriate measures!" She snickered, waving her empty syringe in his direction. Her free hand patted his shoulder one last time and she left the room, leaving him alone with Phil.

 

 _Phil would like her._ He realized with a melancholy pang. _She's sweet and pretty and definitely clever_. _Exactly what he likes._

 

The green eyed monster awoke deep inside him and grumbled its disapproval. Dan suddenly didn't like the nurse that much anymore. He kind of hoped Phil would soon be transferred to a department where all the staff were over 50 and boring. Maybe he could swing that.

 

He sighed and looked over at Phil.

 

"First I bite your head off over a tripod, now I'm cock-blocking you. I'm one hell of a friend, aren't I?"

 

He really should feel more guilty, but found that he didn't care that much.

 

Jealousy had never been Dan's most prized characteristic.

 

###

 

Surgery was set for the next day. The surgeon had claimed it was better to do it as soon as Phil was stable and strong enough, but before his ribs were healed. Otherwise, they'd heal crooked and the surgeon would have to break them again before setting them. Dan had cringed at the thought - that sounded painful.

 

They hadn't removed the respirator yet, instead opting to leave it in as they'd need it for surgery. No use abusing his throat by taking it out and putting it back in the next morning. Phil would be on heavy sedation until after the procedure.

 

They said their goodbyes to Phil's parents in the hospital's parking garage. They would head back north, a four hour journey. Martyn and Cornelia would drop Dan off in London and then head home as well. Between visiting hours, prep time and non-emergency operating theatre scheduling, the attending physician warned them it was likely they wouldn't be able to see Phil at all the next day. And furthermore, Phil's father and Martyn both had work obligations they could not skip, much to their chagrin. Now that the immediate life threatening situation had passed, their bosses had yanked the leashes again. They agreed that Dan would be notified if there was any news and update the rest.

 

Dan was infinitely grateful he had never ended up in an office job.

 

###

 

Despite having slept during the day, Dan once again found himself waking from a deep and dreamless sleep the next morning.

 

The apartment was completely silent.

 

Phil would have surgery today. It was a weird thought. In a few hours, they would interrupt the healing process to cut him open again. Dan understood why it was necessary, but it was still a strange idea. He just hoped there would be no complications and everything would go smoothly. Then he'd be out of ICU and his friends would be able to visit him. And they would be able to transfer him to a London hospital. Dan really hope they could do that soon, because Dartford was not exactly around the corner.

 

Yesterday had been a flurry of activity, making calls, making a video, going to the hospital, tripping over Lesters all the while.

 

Today? Nothing.

 

As he made himself a coffee, he grabbed two cups out of habit. He looked at the other mug (a Haru one) for a second and then put it back. He grabbed some cereal and noted, with a sense of dismay, that none of it had been stolen during the night.

 

He put on some anime, but the story hardly reached him. When a fighting scene came on, he lasted all but thirty seconds before he turned it off in disgust. He couldn't handle violence or blood right now. Silence echoed through the living room.

 

The house seemed sort of hollow. There was less in it than there should be.

 

He texted his friends whether they wanted to come over to keep him company. It would be good to have his friends around. Phil's family had been great, but they were back north for the day and Dan really wanted to connect with people who knew Phil as _he_ knew Phil.

 

Louise was the first to arrive.

 

"Dan!" She almost shrieked as he opened the door. She flew around his neck and hugged him so hard that he was surprised his face wasn't turning purple.

 

"Oh my God, I'm so happy to see you! Oh, look at your face, oh, you poor thing." She said, tears in her eyes.

 

"Ah, don't cry! Wait till you see Phil." Dan joked halfheartedly as he led her into the living room.

 

"Oh, I saw the picture. It was horrible, just horrible. I cried for days." She replied.

 

Dan's mood darkened.

 

"The piece of shit who leaked it got fired, don't worry. I can't believe that happened. With everything that happened, that was the freaking cherry on the cake." He grumbled.

 

"I know, there's a big outrage over it right now. Have you seen the reactions to your video?"

 

Dan sat back and thought deeply.

 

"I haven't, actually... That's probably the first time since YouTube that I haven't read any response to a video. Was it good then?"

 

Louise smiled proudly. "Amazing. You can read it in every reply how much people love you both, how much they love Phil. They really do respect you, you know."

 

A light feeling spread through his heart. "Really? No haters?"

 

"No haters." She smiled widely. "Though a few people are very curious, but I can't blame them. Some people wanted to know where to send gifts, but there's actually a whole group that rallies people to donate blood instead. They call it Phil You With Determination."

 

Dan laughed at that. "A terrible Undertale pun, Phil would approve."

 

"There's so much love for you guys out there, it's really fantastic. You did well on that video." Louise said and she hugged him again.

 

"Thanks, Lou." Dan said softly. He was touched. When he pulled back, both their eyes were a little damp.

 

"So, how are you holding up then? You're juggling the hospital, PR drama, Phil's family... How are you doing?" She asked.

 

Dan had to think about that.

 

"I'm not really sure. It's been such a rollercoaster these past few days. It's just..." He hesitated.

 

Louise didn't prod, but waited.

 

"I had a fight with Phil, right before we saw that house. He dropped the tripod, it was nothing. And I shouted at him and he stormed off... and then he went into that house. I was so scared he would die, but even worse that he'd die before I could make it up to him. What if he'd died while he thought I was mad at him?" He asked her, biting his lip.

 

"Sweetie..." Louise took his hand. "Listen, you two are basically a married couple. You're going to have stupid rows over nothing. But that doesn't change what you mean to each other. You've known each other for almost seven years, you really think that a seven minute fight over a tripod is going to make him see you in a completely different light? He loves you so much, I know you don't believe that, but whether it's platonically or romantically, he's mad about you. And he's smart enough to realize you could never hate him. Not after seven years."

 

"Just like I'm smart enough to realize he won't love me after seven years." Dan said morosely.

 

Louise laughed at him.

 

"He's loved you from the start. You are just both too afraid to lose each other and too scared the other doesn't feel the same way."

 

"I'm thinking of telling him." Dan confessed. Louise beamed at him then.

 

"So you agree, he loves you!"

 

"Lou, I still think you got that wrong. Nothing has happened for seven years, I think we need to rule that out. But I did realize that I need to tell him how much he means to me. Because for a day, I feared he would die before I could tell him and that regret is something I never want to feel again."

 

Louise hugged him again then and whispered. "I don't think you'll regret telling him."

 

"I hope so... I want to tell him when things have settled down and he's home again. I don't want him to think I'd only say that because he's in the hospital or something like that."

 

Louise just smiled at him with a knowing smile.

 

The doorbell rang and more friends flooded the house.

 

They talked well into the evening before Dan received a phone call from the hospital. Surgery had gone well and Dan could visit again the next day - hopefully Phil's last day in ICU. He was truly on the mend now.

 

PJ declared that the news warranted some good wine and take-out and immediately set out to order some.

 

And Dan, surrounded by friends and laughter and a weight off his heart, had the most joyous night he'd had all week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, thanks for leaving such nice comments and kudos! This is only my second fanfic and this is my first chaptered one. My first fic, Eavesdropping (also a Phanfic #cheekyspon) I finished and edited completely before I uploaded it. This is a whole different ballgame. I do know the direction and ending of the story, but I'm uploading as I write. So I hope I don't stumble into any big plot holes along the way... And we're nowhere near done by the way! I'm estimating we're halfway now. Anyway, English is not my native language so please excuse/point out any mistakes you may find. Reviews and kudos are very much appreciated!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

 

The respirator had been replaced by a face mask, covering Phil's nose and mouth, but the heart rate monitor had remained.

 

Dan had become intimately familiar with the rhythm and stats of the heart rate monitor and was glad to note the strong, regular cadence. Outwardly, not much had changed. Blue and purple bruises still mixed with angry red burns and cuts, littering the porcelain skin.

 

He brushed a thumb across his best friend's cheek. He felt much warmer. Maybe a bit too warm, he wasn't sure. He'd ask the doctor about that later.

 

"Hey, you." Dan murmured. "It's just me today. Your family's stuck up north for another day. It's going to be awfully boring if you just sleep all the time, so how's about you show me those baby blues, huh?"

 

He was met with silence.

 

Dan rolled his eyes.

 

"Still a heavy sleeper then. That much hasn't changed. Well, there's loads of people who want to come visit you. The girls you saved, their parents got into contact with your parents. They really want to come by to thank you. So does half the UK, by the way. There's exclusive interviews on offer that would buy us a year's rent. Idiots clearly don't know us well."

 

He sank down in his usual chair. It was not generally a good thing, to have a 'usual chair' in a hospital, but there you have it. On a scale of one to Phil, his predicament wasn't too bad, he supposed.

 

"You know we've never gone so long without talking to each other? Not since we met for the first time, I think. Remember when we had that big fight in 2012? We couldn't make it two days without talking to each other. Even when we go on separate holidays, we still text every day. And even though I've seen you almost every day since you've been here, I've never missed you more. So you'd better wake up soon, okay? Before I go stir crazy."

 

He hesitated, glancing back at the door and then over at Phil's closed eyes. Then he laced his fingers through Phil's. This might well be the last day he'd have him all to himself - probably for a very long time, if he thought about the growing visitors list. He could allow himself some affection today.

 

Their hands fit well together, he thought. He took a moment to revel in the warm weight. A sense of melancholy and jealousy rippled through him as he realized how much he wanted this. How much he wanted to just be able to take Phil's hand whenever he pleased. To be able to just slot his own hand in his when they were sitting on the couch, watching anime, or walking the street or taking in some majestic view on holiday. Instead, here he was, clutching the object of his obsession whilst stealing nervous glances like he was some sort of junkie doing crack in an alleyway.

 

It wasn't fair. None of it was.

 

But he couldn't sit here and have an existential crisis. He needed to focus on Phil and help him. Truthfully, that was what kept him from falling into the doomed vortex of black thoughts. Phil was the one who needed him now, to be his anchor. That was all Dan was doing now. He wasn't holding his hand romantically, he was... anchoring.

 

Dan reckoned he'd have been a good lawyer if he'd never met Phil, because he almost believed that himself.

 

###

 

The first twitch of fingers was almost imperceptible, because Dan was too engrossed in The Maze Runner, which he was reading out loud to Phil. He'd reckoned it was a good way to keep himself entertained and lure Phil to consciousness at the same time.

 

The second twitch of fingers he _definitely_ felt and he all but shot up from his chair.

 

Two brilliant, glorious blue eyes were staring at him.

 

"Hi." He breathed. He was sure his grin was going to split his face open, he was so relieved to see Phil conscious.

 

The look in his eyes was tired and pained, but not confused as it had been before.

 

"You're in the hospital, but you're going to be fine. Do you remember what happened?"

 

The nod was tiny, but Dan recognized it. Phil's free hand came up to his mouth and started fumbling at the mask.

 

"Whoa there, not sure if that can come off yet." Dan hastily interrupted. He let go of Phil's hand and pushed the nurse call button.

 

The pretty nurse came ambling in after just a few seconds.

 

"Ah, mr. Lester! Awake and already fed up with the mask I see. Let's see how you fare without it."

 

She undid the contraption expertly and peered closely as Phil breathed unassisted for the first time since that dreadful day. It was a bit uneven and shallow, but proper breathing nonetheless. Dan felt another weight drop off his shoulders.

 

"Just a bit short, but your lungs are getting strong quickly. I'll give you a nasal cannula, that should be enough. Now, can you tell me your name?" The nurse asked.

 

"Phil.. Lester."

 

It sounded like gravel on a cheese grater, but it warmed Dan's heart all the same.

 

"And do you remember what happened?"

 

Phil frowned, brow furrowing in concentration.

 

"F-fire. Kids. Are they.. okay?"

 

Dan piped up. "They're okay, you saved them. You're a hero."

 

Phil let his eyes fall closed and breathed out something that may have been 'good'.

 

"Don't go to sleep on us yet, the doctor will want to speak with you as well. I'll get him right now."

 

Pretty Nurse patted Phil's shoulder and left the room.

 

They were alone again, but this time they were both conscious. Dan looked at Phil, at the eyes closed in exhaustion and pain and debated whether he could get away with holding his hand once again.

 

He figured he could. It was meant as support, wasn't it? A friendly gesture? He raised his hand to reach out to Phil's, but the latter spoke up then.

 

"Did I.. stick the landing?" He croaked with a gaze muddled with - pain? Misery?

 

It took him a moment for those words to find purchase in his mind but it came back to him.

 

That's what he'd said to Phil when he'd tripped just outside the train station that day. When he'd made a lame joke instead of checking whether his best friend was alright, even though he'd seen that Phil had scraped his hands. And then the stupid, damnable tripod and the fight Dan had started.

 

Oh, Phil remembered alright.

 

Dan dropped his hand, which was hovering near Phil's. Guilt whipped through him like a gust of a sudden, ill wind.

 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Phil." He sniffed - when had his eyes gone moist? "That was stupid, I'm such a lousy friend and I promise I won't ever -"

 

The door opened and the doctor waltzed in. Dan quickly turned his back, not keen on letting the physician see his tears. He was a stern, grey man with a grizzly beard and certainly not one to care for anyone who messed with his patients. And Dan, ridden by guilt, counted himself among the people who had not been so good for Phil's wellbeing lately.

 

"Mr. Lester, good to have you among the living. How are you feeling?" He asked in his low rumble of a voice.

 

"Like..a house..fell on me." Phil grated out.

 

"Seems accurate." The doctor concluded dryly. "Now, I'll need to check your wounds. Would you rather do it privately?"

 

"It's.. okay."

 

Dan still had his back turned, using his willpower to gain the composure he would need to face the doctor.

 

The rustle of cotton and the sounds of bandages being removed was something he'd expected, as well as the grumbling instructions and commentary by the physician. But the first pained whimper that escaped Phil's lips cut through him like a knife.

 

"Some soreness from the ribs, that's to be expected. But no sign of infection and this stitching is expertly done. I reckon it'll hardly scar. Let's see your stomach now."

 

More rustling, followed by an agonized groan.

 

"Sir."

 

The physician had addressed Dan. He turned around, feeling like he got busted hiding in a corner. Maybe he was.

 

"You might want to support your friend." The doctor hadn't even lifted his eyes off Phil, who had his eyes scrunched closed.

 

Dan nodded, his mouth dry, and found himself moving back towards the bed.

 

He hadn't actually seen the damage to his best friend's chest and stomach unbandaged. He had heard the description, of course, but otherwise he'd only seen gauze and dressing. There had been a photograph, but he had thrown it away without studying it too intently.

 

He found he didn't want to look. He felt like an immense coward, but he thought he might pass out if he did look. And the doctor was right, Phil needed his support now.

 

Blindly he found Phil's hand and kept his eyes on Phil's face. The doctor resumed his work.

 

"Now, your stomach looks a bit swollen. That could be part of the regular healing process, but I want to be sure. I'll need to apply some pressure. This might not be pleasant, but I'll try to be gentle."

 

Though Phil's expression didn't change, his fingers started to shake slightly. Dan squeezed his hand, trying to reassure him.

 

The doctor started off slowly, but almost immediately Phil let out another pained whimper - and then another. And another. Each cut deeply into Dan's soul.

 

"You're doing great, I'm almost done." The doctor soothed.

 

Phil was gripping Dan's hand so hard, Dan thought he might fully cut off circulation to his fingers.

 

"Ah-Aahh!" Phil yelped, nearly breaking Dan's hand. His eyes flew open, staring at the ceiling in blind agony. Dan felt nausea wash over him as he sat helplessly gazing at his friend.

 

The doctor harrumphed. "Probably a small infection developing, we can nip that in the bud. Good news is, I'm done. You can relax. I'll be right back."

 

Phil let out a tremulous sigh as his eyes fell closed again.

 

Dan hardly noticed his own cheeks were wet as he stroked Phil's hair with his free hand.

 

"You never deserved this. You don't deserve all the shit that happens to you." Dan whispered brokenly.

 

Phil was out again before the doctor returned with the antibiotics and fresh gauze.

 

###

 

The next time Phil woke was blessedly more peaceful.

 

"Hey." He whispered. His voice still sounded like sandpaper.

 

"Hi, how are you feeling?" Dan whispered back anxiously.

 

"Better." Phil smiled.

 

"Good." Dan squeezed his hand.

 

The antibiotics were clearly working, as Phil wasn't as warm as this morning and his eyes were more focused. He didn't seem to be in as much pain either. The doctor had also upped the morphine, bless his heart. Several hours had passed since the examination, as it was already early in the evening.

 

"Listen... I'm really sorry I was such an ass to you that day. I was just tired and frustrated and I took it out on you." Dan said hesitantly.

 

"Knowing you... you probably obsessed over that.. for days, right?" Phil grinned, still breathing slightly difficult.

 

Dan at least had the good grace to blush.

 

"Come on, I thought you were dying before I had apologized. So, I'm sorry. I really needed to say that."

 

"No big deal. If nothing else.. had happened.. we'd have forgotten it.. by now." Phil said with a kind smile.

 

"I guess..."

 

"You're hurt." Phil noted with dismay. He lifted his hand, stroking alongside the burn on Dan's jaw. Dan had the silly urge to lean into the touch, but refrained.

 

"That's just calling the kettle black, you know." Dan rolled his eyes.

 

"Tell me.. everything I missed." Phil said.

 

And Dan did.

 

He talked about the miserable, black day and night waiting to see if Phil would live, about the article, which had had the upside that Phil's family had used to convince the hospital to allow Dan to visit. He talked about their friends and family and fans who missed him terribly. How insanely proud he was of him. He talked about how the house plants were faring, mostly that they were lonely in the house without Phil there (he may have been projecting, so sue him). He talked about the family from the burning house and he talked about the doctors and nurses. He talked until he was as hoarse as Phil was.

 

Before they knew it, the end of visiting hours was upon them, as a nurse came to tell them.

 

"Your family will be here tomorrow. And if they transfer you out of ICU, they'll have to bar the doors because there are so many friends who want to come visit you." Dan said as he reluctantly gathered his belongings.

 

"Will... will you... be here?" Phil asked hesitantly, suddenly nervously picking at his sheets.

 

"Er.. I guess, yes, unless.. you don't.." Dan stammered.

 

 _Was I too presumptuous? He might just want his family here_. He thought. _Typical self-absorbed Dan..._

 

"No, no, I mean... maybe, you don't... I mean, you've been here.. for days. Maybe... you want to do something else. Instead of here... with me." Phil said, blushing.

 

"Oh no, I want you. I mean, here. I want to be here. With you. If you want." Dan rushed. Jesus, he felt like a teenager now.

 

"Good." Phil smiled.

 

"Good." Dan breathed.

 

For a second they were just staring at each other like a pair of idiots, grinning.

 

"Sir, I won't warn again. Visiting hours are over." A stern, older nurse called from the door opening.

 

"Right, sorry." Dan said.

 

And with a bravery he didn't know he possessed, his hand found Phil's again and he pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.

 

They were both a bit dazed as Dan pulled back and their fingers untangled.

 

"See you tomorrow."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

 

Phil's parents had been busy bees while they were up north, because when they picked up Dan the next morning, they informed him that they had arranged for Phil to be transferred to a London hospital that afternoon. They had also been in contact with the parents of the girls he'd saved, they would be visiting this very morning.

 

Dan tried to be pleased about this news, he really did. It meant Phil was doing well and it also meant Dan would have a much shorter commute to the hospital and he wouldn't be dependent on someone driving him - or worse, public transportation.

 

All those were valid reasons to be happy. But the simple truth was, Dan didn't like to share. And this news meant that the gates of visitor hell were opened and there was no way to stop the horde.

 

He shouldn't begrudge their friends the opportunity to visit Phil, he just wondered when on Earth they'd gotten so _many_. Some people they hadn't seen in ages, some people he vaguely heard of or seen once or twice on a birthday party, some people he reckoned were just journalists under a false name, claiming to have gone to university with Phil. He and Martyn were both besieged by texts and calls from would-be visitors.

 

They'd need to come up with some sort of schedule, some way to only allow in the people Phil actually _wanted_ to see. The news of the leaked picture and article had hit him hard. Phil was quite keen on his privacy, more so than Dan even. And however much he liked hanging out with friends and strangers alike, that would always be on _his_ terms. So he was understandably very hesitant about the slew of visitors he may have to face.

 

In other words, Dan wished they could have more days just like yesterday. That had been so nice - well, the evening at least. He couldn't believe how much he'd missed just hanging out with Phil, one on one, simply talking about everything and nothing. There was no one else in the world that made Dan feel so at ease in his own skin, so free to just be himself and _not_ weigh every word and action.

 

Usually he only needed to put the brakes on when their conversation inadvertently steered into dangerous territory, but they played off each other so easily that they effortlessly navigated around treacherous waters, as if by second nature.

 

Last night, in his relief, he'd let himself be a bit _too_ comfortable. He didn't know what possessed him to just kiss his best friend's forehead. Phil had seemed confused by his action. He hadn't been angry, Dan thought. He'd spent half the night awake, staring unseeing at the ceiling, trying to divine the meaning of the look in his friend's eyes. No anger, he'd concluded in exhaustion at 3 AM, mostly just confusion.

 

He'd need to be careful. He was only going to make Phil more uncomfortable around him and make him pull back. He would need to be the reliable friend, just Dan as he'd always been to Phil. He refused to be another source for confusion or doubt, yet another person with a hidden agenda.

 

If Phil really did feel something more, as Louise seemed to think, then he would wait patiently.

 

As he had for seven bloody years already.

 

Louise was probably just nuts, he mused.

 

Hopelessly optimistic and romantic, but nuts all the same.

 

###

 

When they entered the hospital and made their way down the familiar hallways, they were stopped by one of the nurses. Nurse Nathans was a beast of a woman, almost as wide as she was tall, and Dan reckoned most of that was muscles. She had closely cropped black hair and beady black eyes and no neck to speak of.

 

"Mr. and Mrs. Lester." Nurse Nathans said in a serious tone, completely ignoring Dan. "Might we speak privately?"

 

"Is something the matter?" Phil's mother asked worriedly.

 

"We're not sure yet. Maybe if we spoke privately?" The nurse repeated with a not so covert glance at Dan that clearly said ' _not with him around_ '.

 

Dan's stomach twisted. What was going on now? Wasn't Phil doing better?

 

"Whatever it is, you can say it in front of Dan." Phil's father said staunchly, only slightly intimidated by the woman who looked like she could break him in two.

 

The nurse peered at Dan with eagle eyes, but obliged anyway.

 

"Yesterday we thought your son had the onset of a small infection. We treated it as such and the slight fever did seem to dispel quite quickly. In fact, his temperature is nigh on perfect right now."

 

"But... what's the problem then?" Dan asked, confounded.

 

"I noticed this morning that he is showing some symptoms of delirium, almost as though he _does_ have a fever. At various times during the night he did seem dazed and this morning he was very incoherent. Normally, I would ask my colleagues to keep an eye on it, to see if the symptoms abate. But seeing as we have a transfer planned this afternoon, I thought it was wise to inform you. Is it possible he has hit his head during the incident?"

 

Dan nodded apprehensively. It was very possible.

 

"That could be a cause. Or it could be lack of oxygen. Or it could be nothing at all. The doctor is on his way and will look into it further. It might be that he orders an MRI. In that case we would need to postpone the transfer." Nurse Nathans informed them brusquely and disappeared without waiting for any questions they might have.

 

Dan frowned as they continued to Phil's room. He'd spent all day yesterday with Phil and though he was a bit confused at times, was that really enough to warrant an MRI scan?

 

Doubt twisted in his heart. It might be that that stupid forehead kiss had thrown him more than Dan had thought. Hadn't Phil seem a bit dazed after that?

 

 _Stupid, stupid dumbass. Should've let him be. This is all is confusing enough without me mucking things up_. He thought in a bout of self-deprecation.

 

But Phil greeted them with a big grin and clear, blue eyes, which only confused Dan more.

 

Phil's mother flew to him and all but smothered her son. His father then took his turn gingerly patting his youngest on the shoulder.

 

Dan hung back with a frown on his face.

 

Phil looked at him with a smile.

 

"Hey."

 

He still sounded like he was scraping metal over stone, but his breathing was better.

 

"Phil. Why does nurse Nathans think you are delirious?" He asked, right to the point.

 

"Oh."

 

Phil looked a bit guilty, Dan thought.

 

That was strange.

 

"Look, this morning she wanted to give me a sponge bath, it was very awkward. She could break my neck just snapping her fingers."

 

"Uh-huh. And?" Dan asked warily, not sure where this was going.

 

"She's terrifying! So I just wanted to get to know her, be friendly, alright? So she'll warm up to me."

 

Dan nodded slowly, he had an inkling what Phil might do in such a situation.

 

"And then?"

"Well, I asked her, unicorns or dragons, because that says something about a person, right?" Phil said sheepishly.

 

Dan burst out laughing at the admission.

 

"You idiot! She thinks you're mental!"

 

"Hey! She wouldn't even listen to my explanation. And I outlined the pros and cons, too. That's just rude." Phil argued.

 

"You absolute spork! She wants to check you for brain damage!" Dan howled, tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.

 

"I was making good arguments, I was being very logical. _She_ couldn't even form an opinion." Phil huffed, exasperated.

 

Phil's mother spoke up.

 

"Honey, if she convinces the doctor to do an MRI, you can't go to London today."

 

Dan lost it again at Phil's horrified look.

 

"You know I'm totally going to tweet this, right?" He guffawed, wiping the tears from his eyes.

 

"Oh god, what do I do?" Phil groaned.

 

"Well, the doctor's going to be here in a minute, just pretend you're a normal person. You can do that for ten minutes." His father answered dryly and then turned to his wife. "You know this comes from your side of the family, right?"

 

Mrs. Lester playfully cuffed him on the head and ruffled his hair.

 

"That's why you love us."

 

Dan silently agreed.

 

###

 

Doctor Evergreen came in and declared himself to be a dragon person.

 

Dan thought that was a good start.

 

"Nurse Nathans is a good woman, she has a keen eye for potential hidden damage and developing complications. One of the best nurses we've ever had in ICU, for sure." Doctor Evergreen started seriously.

 

"And she is right - in cases such as yours, it would be very well possible that a deeper laying trauma would go unnoticed and that we would only be alerted days later due to sudden erratic behavior. But, bless her heart, she has no eye for the difference between unique personalities and erratic behavior. Which is a shame for her, because unique people are the best people in the world." He declared with a grin.

 

Dan snorted.

 

"Well, Phil is certainly the most unique person I know."

 

"Did you just call me the best person in the world?" Phil asked with a grin.

 

Dan blushed.

 

"No. Quit fishing for compliments."

 

He forced himself to roll his eyes and look aloof.

 

Not even doctor Evergreen was buying that, he saw.

 

###

 

The day took a more serious turn when nurse Nathans announced that a Mr. and Mrs. Davidson had arrived.

 

From the knowing look on the faces of Phil's parents, Dan deduced these would be the parents of the girls from the burning house.

 

The Davidsons had brought their daughters. The oldest recognized Dan and hugged him tightly. Her hair was cut in a cute bobline and tied with a red ribbon, but Dan knew that it had been much longer before the fire.

 

She was nervous to approach Phil, though.

 

Dan could understand that. To him, Phil looked so much better than the previous days. His eyes were clear, he was talking... But someone who didn't have that point of reference, let alone a little kid, it would be terrifying.

 

Phil was still flat on his back, hardly any strength to lift an arm, let alone lift his head or move about. He still pretty much looked like death warmed up. Coupled with painful looking marks all over him, the tubes, the wires and the heart rate monitor in the background, Dan thought it was actually a terrible idea to let a kid in here.

 

He saw Phil's parents exchange dubious looks. Apparently, the presence of the kids was news to them as well.

 

The whole visit did not last long. The Davidsons thanked Phil profusely and informed after his health. They thanked Dan too, because he'd taken care of the eldest daughter. After that, they made awkward smalltalk.

 

Phil was actually the one to cut the visit short, by literally zonking out during Mr. Davidson's lukewarm monologue on home insurance prices.

 

 _Lucky bastard_. Dan thought. Not that he blamed him; Mr. Davidson was a complete bore. He just wished he could cut off unpleasant conversations by falling asleep.

 

He made a mental note to use that in a future video.

 

###

 

It wasn't long after that visit that nurse Nathans came in with a whole host of paperwork to arrange the transfer. After that, they were shooed away.

 

Dan said goodbye to Phil by awkwardly patting his shoulder, like Mr. Lester had done. He didn't dare do anything else.

 

He also said goodbye to a few of the nurses and doctors he recognized. He was lucky enough to run into Ruth from the emergency room, the first nurse he'd met, and she gave him a massive hug and told him to give Phil one from her once he was out of bed.

 

And before he knew it, they were standing outside St. Helen's hospital for the last time.

 

He looked back at the tall, off-white walls where he'd spent the last few days of his life, experiencing pretty much all emotions on the human scale and maybe a few off the scale as well.

 

He vowed to never, ever set foot in Dartford again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the abundance of kudos and kind comments! I can tell by the way you type you're all very attractive people XD no honestly, reviews and kudos make me so, so happy. Anyway in this chapter I originally tried to write an actually delirious Phil but I realized he didn't sound very different from the usual Phil. Hence the little twist. Now, I'd better get started on the next chapter, as I have a lot of ground to cover before I get these two together.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

 

When Phil woke again, his surroundings had changed. _London then_ , he surmised.

 

Somewhere to his left the orange light of a setting sun filtered through white curtains, filling the room with a soft, ethereal glow. If he strained his ears, he could hear distant sounds of bustling traffic. Otherwise, it was silent.

 

He was missing something. His previous room had not been this quiet, he thought. After a moment of digging into his memory, it came to him. The heart rate monitor was absent. That was a good sign, he reckoned, but the silence was unsettling all the same.

 

He found his glasses on the bedside table and put them on. This room was bigger than his previous one. A terribly chosen dark green wallpaper covered one wall - _whose idea was that?_ \- but the other walls were stark white.

 

As his surroundings came into focus, he noticed two doors. One was slightly ajar and he could make out a toilet and shower. The other door was firmly closed, so he couldn't peer into the hallway.

 

 _I would kill for a shower_. He thought, though he scarcely thought he could even sit up right now.

 

He decided to test his theory. He lifted his head - so far, so good - then his shoulders and -

 

"Ahh!" He hissed as a jolt of pain erupted from his abdomen.

 

 _Yep, no showers yet._ He thought dejectedly as he sank back on the pillows. He felt grimy and he didn't even want to _think_ what his hair would look like. Greasy and splinchy, no doubt.

 

He inspected his surroundings further. He found the morphine pump, the nurse call button, the bed adjustment, a remote - _sweet, I have a tv_! He located it hanging above the foot of the bed. At least he wouldn't have to get too bored. It did look ancient, as it still had a VHS player built in.

 

On the bedside table he also found his phone.

 

 _Wow_. He thought as he saw how many missed calls he had. He also saw tons and tons of texts, wishing him well, asking how he was. _Dan wasn't kidding about the leaked article_. He thought.

 

One of his notifications caught his eye: _danisnotonfire has uploaded a new video_. It was from a few days ago. He opened the video and watched as Dan, looking absolutely ragged and worn out, recounted the events for their friends and fans.

 

A nausea that was completely unrelated to his injuries came over him when Dan revealed to the internet that he'd seen him die. The pain in his eyes as he barely held it together on camera, that was something Phil was not prepared for.

 

Dan hadn't told him that. Phil had asked him to tell him everything, and he'd glossed over the little fact of _death_. Phil had heard from the doctors that he'd crashed twice, but he hadn't known Dan had actually witnessed it.

 

Phil knew Dan. He knew Dan would only burst out something like that on camera if he himself was completely boiling over. And he knew that Dan was currently _not_ dealing with it, otherwise he would've told Phil. Instead he was probably bottling it up - and that meant Dan was pushing away his own problems in order to focus on Phil.

 

It was so typically Dan that his heart clenched with love. That stupid, stupid boy. He felt everything so deeply, Phil could scarcely imagine how this would affect him. He knew that if he saw Dan die, he would be completely destroyed. Though Dan didn't love Phil as Phil loved Dan, Phil knew that he at least cared a lot. A lot more than he let on.

 

Dan would never outright comment on their friendship - the crazy 'phan shippers' they had to deal with since 2009 had made them act a bit more distant, both in videos and in real life. Dan had adopted a sarcastic demeanor, deflecting awkward situations with jabs or insults. But Phil never fell for that, because he knew Dan never meant it. Because Dan would also betray himself with little actions that showed how much he cared.

 

Because no matter how loudly he liked to complain that Phil stole his cereal, he always bought extra of Phil's preferred brand, even though Dan didn't like it that much. When he made coffee, he always made two mugs, always with exact right amount of milk and sugar. Dan made his coffee better than he made it himself. Or when Dan was out on his own, he always returned with a brownie or a muffin, claiming he was going to eat it himself but he wasn't that hungry 'so eat it before it gets old'.

 

Phil knew Dan put up a wall in self protection, but behind that wall was a myriad of thoughts and feelings he could scarcely see the depths of.

 

Since he met him, Phil had loved him. Even when Dan had wormed his way into his life, barely 18, fresh out of a three year relationship and deeply insecure, Phil had known he never wanted to be apart from him.

 

But he was too afraid to do anything about it. Dan had been so troubled, just out on his own in the world, trying to find his way and find himself. Phil hadn't even dared to tell him he was bisexual, terrified that Dan would unearth his secret, freak out and leave him.

 

After the college dropout dilemma, Dan confided in him that he'd never had a best friend and that he was so happy to have one now. That was the final nail in Phil's coffin and he decided to try and get over Dan.

 

He started dating a few girls. Some he even actually liked. But none of them had ever made his heart flip over like Dan could. Not when they leaned in for that first kiss, not when they tried to look sultry and seductive as they pulled him to their bedroom, not when they clenched around him in the throes of passion. That was all forgotten when he got home and saw Dan on the sofa, watching some anime with mirth dancing in those amazing brown eyes. Then his mouth would go dry and his heart would skip a beat. Like it should have for any of those girls.

 

He gave up on dating after a while. He was tired of pretending he could actually fall in love with someone. He was already in love. And he was pretty much screwed.

 

Phil had made a vow years ago. The only thing he wanted, was for Dan to be as happy as he could be and he would do his best to make that happen. Even if that eventually meant he would spread his wings and leave him, to work on his own or get a girlfriend and start a family. It pained him more than he could say, just to think about those scenarios. But he could never be so selfish as to hold Dan back.

 

So he had worked his butt off for their channels, with great success. They had become so much closer as friends as well. While it wasn't _everything_ Phil wanted, these were still the best years of his life.

 

To see Dan on video, so deeply distressed and vulnerable, hit him hard. Because Dan needed to be happy, he deserved to have the best life ever. Phil only wanted to see him laugh and have crazy adventures and make clever, deep, funny videos that showcased to the world what a brilliant mind he had. Not videos like this. Not this sadness and trauma.

 

He decided to call Dan.

 

The phone rang twice, then a confused Dan picked up.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Hey, it's me." He said.

 

"Wow, hey. Wasn't expecting you to call. How are you feeling?" Dan said enthusiastically.

 

"Dan, I saw your video." Phil said softly.

 

"Oh..."

 

An uncomfortable silence fell, then Phil spoke up.

 

"Why didn't you tell me?"

 

"I didn't want you to worry about it. It's nothing, you're going to be fine, so we can forget it." Dan said in a false cheery voice that certainly didn't fool him.

 

"Dan, stop. I know you too well for this. Talk to me." Phil pressed.

 

"Fine, you want to know? It was freaking terrifying, because you were so still and they were fighting to get you back. And they got you back, pretty quick actually, but it felt like an hour. Because you were _gone_." His voice broke. "But it's fine now, you're going to be okay, the doctors are taking good care of you."

 

"And who is taking care of you?" Phil asked seriously.

 

"Phil, that's really sweet to ask, but I'm _fine_. I just -" Dan started, exasperated.

 

"That's crap and you know it." Phil interrupted brusquely. "I just had a couple of stressful minutes and then I was off in lala-land. You went through a lot more than me. Not physically, but mentally. It makes me sick to think of what you went through, because if I had to see _you_ die and then wait a day in the hospital, I would be completely traumatized. So don't say it's all okay and we can ride into the sunset now, because that's not true."

 

"Then what do you want me to do? Sit here and feel sorry for myself? Cry because life isn't fair?" Dan said dejectedly.

 

"I want you to call me, or text me, when you get sad or angry. Or when you get lost in that brain of yours. Just _tell_ me, no matter how stupid you think it is. I just want to be there for you like you've been there for me. Can you promise me that?"

 

"You're a real piece of work, do you know that?" Dan said, but Phil could hear the smile in his voice.

 

"That doesn't sound like a promise."

 

"Fine, I promise. But you're a meddlesome fake psychiatrist, you know." Dan laughed.

 

"Don't you know Dr. Phil was named after me?" Phil grinned.

 

"Wow, I knew you were old, but I didn't know it was that bad."

 

"Oi, watch it you!" Phil grumbled, but his heart lifted when he heard Dan snicker on the other end of the line.

 

They fell silent for a bit. The room had gradually darkened around Phil as the last rays of the day slowly sank beneath the horizon.

 

"There's one thing..." Dan said hesitantly.

 

"What is it?" Phil asked softly.

 

"I'm not sure if you remember, but on... _that_ day... just before you went in the house for the second time, you grabbed my hand and you said 'thank you'. Why?" Dan's voice sounded small and insecure - almost like he was 18 again.

 

He might not have the courage to say this another time, but he desperately wanted Dan to know that he _mattered_ , more than anyone. Even if he couldn't say he loved him, he still wanted Dan to know what he meant to him. Because this _idiot_ could get a martyr complex at the best of times and he couldn't get it through his thick skull how important he was.

 

"It was weird, I kind of had the feeling it might be the last time I talked to you. I wanted to say so much, but I couldn't. I didn't have time, I couldn't decide what to say. But 'thank you' covered almost everything, so... "

 

"Aw, Phil, you shouldn't -" Dan started, but Phil ploughed on.

 

"No, I'm not finished. It was 'thank you' for being my best friend, the best friend I could ever imagine. I still can't believe you didn't have a best friend before me, because you're bloody brilliant at it. 'Thank you' for being so brave to drop out of school and fully get into YouTube and being such a brilliant entertainer. I feel so proud to see how far you've come, so thank you for sharing that with me. 'Thank you' for being a fantastic roommate, I couldn't imagine living with anyone else. And if I never got to talk to you again, I basically wanted you to know... thank you for giving me the best years of my life."

 

Dan was crying now, Phil noted with mixed feelings. He was somehow sorry he'd made him cry, but glad Dan finally got the message.

 

"That's why you need to take care of yourself, and let me help, okay? Because you're so important to me." Phil said weakly. He felt drained after that little speech, mostly emotionally.

 

"Mr. Lester." A voice called as the door opened and flooded his room with light.

 

Phil almost jumped a foot in the air - if he had been able to, of course. He had been so lost in the conversation, he hadn't heard anyone come in.

 

"Dan, I need to go... doctor's here." He said, sad to cut the conversation short. They didn't have many of these deep talks.

 

"Phil..." Dan said, voice heavy with emotion.

 

"Thank you too."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

 

Phil was wide awake after the doctor left, as he had slept most of the day. He hoped this wouldn't mean he would be asleep during visiting hours tomorrow, because PJ, Sophie and Louise would visit. And Dan would be there, probably as long as he was allowed.

 

He lay awake for a long time, staring at the ceiling. That phone call with Dan had been... daring. He wasn't quite sure what made him brave enough to open up like that, maybe it was recalling his brush with death coupled with morphine. But he was glad he had said it.

 

He wondered if he could devise a scheme where only Dan could visit him for a day. Just to sort of... ground himself. Touch base. Since waking up he'd been wheeled about, going from X-Ray to echo and back, from invasive doctors to crazy nurses, changing hospitals and awkward visits, while his waking hours ranged between agonized and drugged to the teeth.

 

He just _really_ wanted a day of no craziness, just hanging out like they would do at home.

 

He missed home so much, he missed his own bed and pillows and his laptop... and his houseplants. And Dan of course, but at least he came to visit. Phil missed the freedom of his home the most. The ability to get up, grab some popcorn, plop down on the couch and watch Buffy. To do whatever _he_ liked. And the ability to turn down invitations from friends. He liked those days, when they both told their friends they couldn't possibly go out, because they had an important meeting... and then ordering pizza and watching Blue Exorcist, just the two of them. Phil would laugh and call them a pair of hermits and Dan would get technical and argue there was no such thing as a _pair_ of hermits.

 

But he could hardly say he had to work now, so a relaxed day of just recharging was not in the cards. Nor was getting up and eating popcorn, now that he thought of it. He was trapped in the bed... his linen prison.

 

At least he had his phone; he'd go mental if he didn't have the internet to distract him. How people did this before the age of smart phones, he didn't even want to fathom. That was probably why insane asylums were so popular in the olden days.

 

###

 

"Up and at 'em, love."

 

A woman's voice cut through his haze and he opened his eyes. It was still disconcerting to wake up and find a stranger standing over you, but he immediately felt at ease with this nurse. Her black curly hair was turning grey at the temples, a stark contrast with her dark skin. She had the kindest eyes Phil had seen on any nurse so far. Way better than nurse Nathans, who had seemed both willing and capable of caber tossing him down the hall. Nasty unicorn-hating woman...

 

"Rhonda Clark." She introduced herself and shook his hand.

 

"Phil Lester."

 

"How are you feeling?"

 

Phil pondered on that for a moment. He didn't feel the same melancholy as he had last night, thankfully. It was weird for him to be emotional in that way, though he supposed his circumstances had something to do with that.

 

"Okay, I guess... Just really frustrated I can't do much."

 

"I get that. But you'll be moving around before you know it, just you see. Before long I'll be chasing you 'round the hospital, I know hoodlums like you." Rhonda laughed.

 

"Thanks, Rhonda." That made him feel better. The doctors wouldn't tell him how fast he would recover, only leaving him with cryptic messages like 'you'll know' or 'it varies per patient'. Sometimes he felt like it could be months. He would go stir crazy if it took that long.

 

Rhonda gave him a quick wash and refreshed the gauze and bandages, all the while chattering about some run-in her husband, Mr. Clark, had had with the mailman. Phil had never felt so at ease during a sponge bath.

 

"So then he said, 'that's not a mailbox, that's my cat!' I mean, can you believe that? In this day and age! Well, we're done, honey, all set. Oh, and well on time too. Visiting hour starts in an hour. Not to worry, your brother mailed us a list of names, we'll check everyone coming to see you. So you just focus on getting better." Rhonda finished with a squeeze of his shoulder.

 

Rhonda left then, leaving him alone. He fiddled with the controls of the bed and adjusted it so that he was almost sitting up. It didn't hurt, as he'd feared, probably because he didn't have to use his abs to get upright.

 

He had a little time, so he decided to make a short video to let everyone know he was doing fine - well, as fine as could be expected.

 

Opening the front camera was never a self esteem boosting experience, even for the most attractive of people. Doing so after nearly a week in the hospital, well... Yikes. He was mostly surprised to see how thin he looked. He was pretty skinny to begin with, but now he saw his skin stretching over his cheekbones, cheeks almost hollow. He had dark circles under his eyes. He decided to start filming anyway. Nothing like some good old, genuine vlogging.

 

"Hi guys! Sorry about the face. That's scary stuff. I think it's somewhere between a Walking Dead extra and an abstract painting. Maybe like a Mondrian. You know, the one with the red and yellow and blue squares on white? So... anyway, hi everyone, I just wanted to make a quick video to let you all know I'm doing okay. I'm _so_ ready to get out of here, but it'll probably be a while longer. I spoke to the doctor last night, today I get to try eating some solid food. Urgh, I miss food." He groaned, closing his eyes as he imagined a giant cheeseburger.

 

"I got loads and loads of really sweet messages from you guys, thank you for that! That has helped me get through some sleepless nights. You guys are better than morphine. And that's saying something. And I also wanted to add, please go give Dan some love, because he's been through a lot as well, but he likes to downplay it. I would not want to switch places with him. If you've seen his video, you'll understand." Dan might kick his ass for this, but he didn't care.

 

"That's it for my update, don't really have much to say. I've basically just been lying around, which isn't that different from what I do at home. So don't worry about me. I'll update as soon as I have some news. But mostly it's just friends visiting and hopefully after today eating the world's supply of pizza. Thanks everyone, you're all amazing! I'll talk to you soon. Bye!"

 

He ended the video. He had no way to edit it on his phone but as he watched it back, he reckoned it was good enough. He uploaded it and then tweeted the link:

 

_Quick update from the hospital. Rate my Mondrian cosplay!_

 

Not three minutes later, Dan had retweeted the link with the comment:

 

_Masterpiece. But can u just use oil on canvas nxt time?_

 

Phil laughed at that and just tweeted back:

 

_Don't cry..._

 

The internet would do the rest.

 

###

 

Dan picked listlessly at the toast he'd made. His coffee had gone cold already. He had had a weird night. That phone call they'd had, while he was seated on the windowsill at home, looking at the setting sun... it was the most emotional conversation they'd ever had. He'd almost confessed his love to Phil, but the doctor had come in then. He was glad he hadn't, because it might have turned the conversation sour. Phil had been very clear: best friends. That's what they were. The best of friends, but friends none the less. Dan couldn't ruin that.

 

Still he'd spent half the night imagining what could have been. What it would be like if they truly loved one another. Waking up in the same bed, taking a long hot shower together, playing footsie during breakfast... It made him feel giddy like a schoolgirl, but then reality crashed down upon him and he felt like he could cry.

 

Dan let out a deep sigh and pushed his plate away. He wasn't hungry. He would meet PJ, Sophie and Louise at the hospital. Luckily for him, it was only a twenty minute walk. He grabbed his bag and opened the front door to the miserable drizzle that was the London weather.

 

Good, it matched his mood. He opened his umbrella and set out towards the hospital.

 

###

 

Martyn had done well on the security measures, Dan thought as a dark skinned nurse scrutinized his passport and looked him up and down.

 

 _I'm not just a fangirl!_ Dan wanted to yell, but, well, who was he kidding?

 

Apparently he passed the inspection, because then she introduced herself as Rhonda and led him to a room down the corridor.

 

The rest was already there, he saw, but they hadn't beaten him by much. Louise was still greeting Phil in her overly enthousiastic manner. PJ gave him a hug and clapped him on the back. As soon as Louise relinquished her prey, Dan moved towards the bed.

 

"You look better." He said, letting his hand rest on Phil's forearm. He didn't dare do anything else. _Just friends_ , he reiterated to himself.

 

"I think he looks bloody awful! He's skin and bones!" Louise erupted.

 

"Aw, thanks Louise. You're so sweet." Phil grinned.

 

Louise rolled her eyes. "Come on then, present time!"

 

Phil's eyes grew big as he saw that his friends had brought gifts.

 

Dan's heart sank. He hadn't given Phil anything... not even a sodding 'get well' card. And here he was, the only one who hadn't brought anything. Well, he'd brought his own laptop... His stomach turned, he felt like the worst friend ever.

 

The visit was otherwise great. They talked and laughed and played board games. Phil still tired quickly and fell asleep halfway through a game of Munchkins. PJ would later insist that it was because Phil was losing.

 

Dan had an idea then. While Phil slept, he asked PJ to give him a ride to the P.O. Box. He may have neglected to bring a gift or a card, but he could do one better.

 

And so PJ and Dan returned an hour later with a giant bag of Phil's fan mail each. PJ and Sophie immediately sat down and let their creativity run amok. Dan hung back, letting them do what they did best. He wouldn't even pretend do come close to their talent and resourcefulness. Louise excused herself to go to the bathroom.

 

Dan took this time to look at Phil freely. His mind went back to the fantasies he'd had last night and he allowed himself to live in that world a minute. What would it be like if he didn't have to worry about how he would greet Phil. He could just give him a kiss on the lips, no one would balk at it and that would just be _normal_ for them. His heart sang at the suggestion. And after their friends would leave, he could climb onto the bed and -

 

"Earth to Mr. Howell."

 

 _SHIT_.

 

He jolted back, trying to look unaffected. He had been set upon by a young nurse, who was standing next to him.

 

 _Busted_ , he thought with his heart in his throat.

 

"Sorry to interrupt your daydreaming," she said with a slight Irish brogue and a devilish grin. "I was just asking if we should wake Mr. Lester up. We'd like to get him on a regular sleeping schedule."

 

Dan studied her. She was about his age, wavy red hair, freckles and green eyes. She was definitely Irish. And _she knew_ , Dan knew, she knew what he'd been fantasizing about. The glint in her green eyes as she busted him told him as much.

 

"Erm, yeah, sure. Excuse me a bit." He stammered and fled to the bathroom down the hall, not even looking back.

 

He washed his face, rubbing hard across his eyes. He couldn't get lost in this fantasy world. It wasn't helping and people were noticing. People who might get the wrong idea and blurt things to Phil. Then he'd be fucked - and not in the way he wanted.

 

He exited the bathroom and ran into her _again_. Now that was just bad luck, he thought.

 

The hallway was deserted, thankfully, because the conversation that followed Dan wanted to erase from the planet Earth.

 

"Sorry about that, I thought you were together. I mean, after I saw how you looked at him. But your friend told me you were single. You're in love with him, aren't you?" She asked, almost apologetically.

 

"I don't know what you're talking about." Dan said shortly and he tried to shoulder past her.

 

"Look, it's okay. It's 21st century London, we take all sorts, alright? Have you told him?" She tried again, laying a hand on his arm.

 

"Thanks, but there's nothing to tell. You've got the wrong idea." Dan said and all but pushed her aside.

 

_Jesus, a phan-shipping nurse. The last thing I need._

 

When he walked back into Phil's room, all eyes were on him. He felt himself going beet red and he feared where this might be going. He quickly diverted the attention by pointing out what PJ and Sophie had made. They had taken all drawings and put them on the ugly wall in a Christmas tree pattern, making the horrible green color of the background look oddly appropriate.

 

"That looks really cool, guys." He said in a false cheery voice.

 

But PJ wasn't about to be maneuvered out of the juicy topic he had uncovered. Instead he held up a letter.

 

"Look, it's a letter from one of the nurses of the Dartford hospital. She sent it to Phil's P.O. Box because she didn't know your full name, Dan, but she's given you her number. She even added a picture, in case you didn't remember which nurse she was. She's pretty." He said innocently.

 

"She's not my type." Dan said shortly.

 

"Why not? She was pretty and funny." Phil spoke up.

 

 _Oh, not you too._ Dan groaned internally.

 

"Because... when you see someone, you just _know_ , you know?" He waved it away weakly. It was the truth, anyway.

 

"Ohh... so is that why nurse Bethany just slyly required after your relationship status?" Sophie remarked nonchalantly.

 

Dan wanted to kill nurse Bethany, but he couldn't tell the truth about _why_ they'd had that awkward encounter. So he just rolled his eyes.

 

"Shut up."

 

Nurse Bethany was definitely Irish... and probably part evil leprechaun.

 

###

 

Their friends left around dinner time, but Dan stuck around, as Phil had hoped he would. Phil thought his friend had been acting weird and distant today. He had an inkling what - or rather, who - may have caused it.

 

"Have you been getting lost in your head again?" He asked him when they started up the laptop to watch some anime. Dan was slouched in his chair, feet on the bed, the laptop precariously balanced on Phil's legs.

 

"Yeah... it's nothing though." Dan sighed.

 

"I made you promise to share these things, remember?" Phil prodded gently as he loaded an episode.

 

"I know. It's just that everything is so weird right now. I want things to go back to normal, because I feel like I'm not thinking with my right brain... if that makes sense?" Dan said hesitantly.

 

"Yeah, that makes sense. Anything I can use my brain for, to help you?"

 

Dan looked at him with a sweet, sorrowful smile. It made Phil's heart clench.

 

"Nah."

 

"Pinky swear that you'll tell me if I can help?" Phil asked softly, holding up his pinky.

 

"Pinky swear." Dan smiled and hooked his own pinky around Phil's.

 

Neither of them let go, instead letting their hands rest on the bed, the backs of their hands resting warmly against each other, as they turned their attention to the screen. Phil was glad they were only holding pinkies, because that way he didn't have to explain why his palm was sweaty.

 

They watched a few episodes like that until nurse Bethany came in to announce the end of visiting hours.

 

Dan snatched his hand away like he'd been burned, almost dislocating Phil's finger. Phil looked at the knowing smile nurse Bethany sent his best friend... then turned to see Dan blush like a flame.

 

With a sinking feeling, he realized what this meant. He should've seen it coming and he couldn't deny it now.

 

Dan was in love with nurse Bethany.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you so, so much for all the comments and kudos! You have no idea how happy it makes me when I read all your sweet words. You are all amazing! Much love!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figured I'd update quick before y'all grab your pitchforks...

Chapter 11

 

Eating sucked.

 

Phil had never thought he would think that, but that was the harsh reality of it.

 

After visiting hours, one of the other nurses came to him. Not Bethany, thank God, because she made his appetite disappear completely. It was a male nurse called Oswald. With brown hair and dull brown eyes, he looked most unthreatening. The reality proved different.

 

"We're starting you off slow, your stomach's not used to much anymore." He said, handing him a bowl of something Phil could only describe as gruel - because porridge would be too nice a word for it.

 

"I'm lactose intolerant." He said in a bid to escape his fate.

 

"I know. It's lactose free."

 

 _Crap_.

 

He took it with shaky hands. He'd been so hungry this morning, he thought he could eat a horse. But now this little bowl seemed insurmountable. He took a bite.

 

It tasted like nothing. Just bland. Not as bad as he'd expected, at least.

 

"Another bite." Oswald urged him.

 

He obliged, taking a bigger spoonful now. It was strange, he already felt full.

 

"Good. One more."

 

The spoon clattered against the ceramic as he fought to keep his hand still. Phil eyed it warily, but before he could take another bite, his stomach churned and roiled in protest.

 

Lightning fast, Oswald took the bowl away and held a bucket under him, just in time for the reappearance of dinner.

 

Sharp pain lanced through him as he threw up, his stomach clenching and his muscles spasming erratically. Once he was done heaving, the pain receded to a dull throb.

 

Oswald gave him a glass of water to rinse his mouth. He seemed utterly unperturbed.

 

"That's to be expected. See why we don't usually do this during visiting hours? You'll get used to it soon enough. Before you know it, you'll be putting away bags of Doritos and meatlovers pizza's." He joked in an attempt to console Phil.

 

Phil let out a shaky breath as he leaned back against the pillows. He didn't want to think about pizza or anything else. He closed his eyes. He was done with this day, completely, 200% done. Out. Over. Amen.

 

"We'll try again later." Oswald said, patting his shoulder.

 

 _Try it again and I'll throw up in your face._ Phil thought sourly.

 

###

 

He tried to nap a bit, but his brain was still working overtime on Bethany-gate. He tried to distract himself by perusing twitter, but to no avail. And before he knew it, Oswald came back. His stomach immediately had a Pavlovian reaction and started growling in self defense.

 

Phil eyed him warily, as though he was about to be poisoned. It probably felt the same.

 

"You don't look pleased to see me." Oswald remarked, though his countenance betrayed he was not impressed by Phil's opinion of him.

 

Phil squirmed awkwardly. This man was only doing his job... but that didn't make it any more pleasant for him.

 

"Sorry." He said, even if he hardly meant it.

 

"Don't worry about it." Oswald waved it away. "I'm going to give you a little shot to suppress the nausea. Hopefully that'll keep your stomach calm."

 

He injected something into the IV. "Now, that'll take a minute to take effect. In the meantime, I actually want to try to get you out of bed, if you want?"

 

Phil immediately perked up at that. He _definitely_ wanted to get out of bed.

 

"But I can hardly sit up." He said. How was he going to stand?

 

"Well, your abdominal muscles took a big hit, but they're healing well, the doctor said. Getting upright from lying down puts a lot of strain on those muscles, but once you're upright, there are a lot of other muscles that can compensate for the ones that are injured."

 

He pressed the button that made the headrest of the bed rise, until Phil was pretty much sitting up.

 

"See? You're already halfway there. Want to give it a shot?" He asked.

 

Phil nodded excitedly and all but ripped the covers away.

 

"Alright, now turn to me. Legs first... there you go... no, take a second. Slower, we're not doing sprints now... good."

 

It was slow, it was uncomfortable, sometimes painful, but after some expert maneuvering by Oswald, Phil finally, _finally_ , felt his bare feet touch the cool linoleum.

 

He felt weak as a puppy, wobbling on his legs like a newborn calf and clinging to the nurse's arm, but no one could say he wasn't vertical. He grinned at Oswald.

 

"Well done!" Oswald grinned back. "Want to take a few steps? Here, hold on to the IV standard, it rolls. You can use it like a cane. And besides, you can't really go far without it."

 

The first two steps went okay, but at the third step his knees buckled under him. If it hadn't been for Oswald, he would have hit the floor. Slightly disoriented he found himself seated on the bed once again.

 

"Shit." He groaned. It was unusual for him to curse, but the circumstances dictated it, he thought. His legs felt like jelly and he was quivering. He curled his fingers into the bedding, as if that would keep him upright.

 

"Not bad for someone who's had major surgery a week ago!" Oswald said encouragingly. "You'll be out and about in no time. Now then, food. Give it a shot." He said, holding up another bowl of gruel.

 

Phil hesitated, not keen to repeat the previous experience. Oswald seemed to read his mind.

 

"Remember, anti-nausea shot?"

 

 _Fair enough_...

 

He managed four bites this time, then his stomach started clenching and cramping. But the nausea was kept at bay and he didn't throw up this time... though it still wasn't a pleasant experience. Oswald talked him through the worst of the cramps and before long, they too abated and Phil felt himself grow heavy. He was barely aware of Oswald adjusting the bed to laying position. He went out like a light.

 

###

 

Over the next few days, Phil grew more and more morose. He became distant and quiet in company, though his nights were filled with restless fidgeting and desperately bids to get to sleep. If he did get to sleep, he had strange dreams about Dan or doctors or fire.

 

The doctors had taken him off morphine, switching him to a less intense painkiller. They seemed to think Phil's depressed and distant behavior as well as the dreams were caused by the new painkiller, but Phil knew better.

 

Eating went lousy. He was hungry all the time now, but after a few bites of cracker or plain rice, he felt full and uncomfortable. And then half an hour later, it felt like his stomach was trying to devour itself, he was so hungry. Rinse, repeat.

 

He had been out of bed a lot after that first try, walking a little further each time, trying to get his abs working.

 

When Dan came to visit, he had surprised him by waiting for him, standing in the hallway just outside his room. Dan had _beamed_ at him, walking faster towards him, raising his arms for a massive hug - and then he dropped them again when freaking Bethany appeared. Dan just softly punched his arm in greeting and said 'well done, dude!' He probably tried to impress Bethany by playing the cool guy. It made him sick to his stomach.

 

It was at that moment that Phil resolved to get out of the hospital ASAP. Because he refused to witness Dan do this awkward dance around her. And he hated, _hated_ , how Dan would keep distance from him when Bethany was even on duty.

 

 _Watching the love of your life fall in love with someone else, it fills you with determination._ He thought grimly.

 

And so he walked and ate and ate and walked, all hours of the day and most hours of the night. It was better than staring at the ceiling, as unbidden images of himself as best man at Dan and Bethany's wedding came flooding into his mind. Then he'd blink away the tears and trained his muscles until he passed out from a combination of pain and exhaustion. It had a positive side effect, because he was quickly getting stronger, but he felt incredibly disheartened at how far he still had to go.

 

Bethany told him not to push himself so hard. He had to remind himself not to push Bethany instead.

 

###

 

On the fourth day after his first vertical experience since the incident, he felt especially miserable. He'd hardly slept, but he managed to nod off around 5 AM. Instead of proper sleep, he'd gotten a terrible dream.

 

He'd dreamt about a house on fire and he knew instinctively that Dan was in there. He didn't hesitate and went in immediately. He found Dan at the foot of the stairs and he pleaded with him to go outside. Then Bethany, her red fair made of fire and green eyes blazing like burning emeralds, had appeared on the steps above. Dan looked back at her as she beckoned him.

 

Phil pleaded and begged and tried to grab Dan, to pull him back, get him outside, but he just smiled apologetically and said 'sorry dude, I prefer gingers'. Then Bethany pulled him upstairs into the raging fire while he was shouting, pleading, but they didn't hear him over the roar of the fire. Then the house collapsed and something speared his heart.

  
He woke up with tears in his eyes.

 

8:43 AM.

 

He closed his eyes, the remnants of the dream still dancing across his brain.

 

He had always known Dan would find someone and move on at some point. He was funny and kind and attractive - hell, Phil could name all the selling points, no sweat. He had just wished it hadn't happened _now_. Or ever, but now was especially unwelcome.

 

He managed to be at least partly presentable by the time Dan arrived at 10 AM.

 

"Hey, you. I brought Buffy." Dan said as he strode into the room, waving the box set.

 

Phil's heart gave a painful twinge at the greeting.

 

_You'll leave me._

"You alright?"

 

Phil nodded and managed a wan smile. Dan was looking at him concerned.

 

"You don't seem it."

 

"It's... it's fine."

 

_You'll be so happy without me._

 

"Sure?"

 

"Yeah, I've just been stuck in my head all night long. Not much else to do here."

 

_You'll break my heart._

 

Dan smiled softly at him. It was a special smile that he rarely gave anyone, but that only made it more painful for Phil. He wanted that smile, that softness that was so private... he wanted everything.

 

"Anything you want to share?" Dan asked as he dropped his bag and sat on the side of the bed.

 

 _Yes_.

 

"No."

 

Dan smiled again and gave his hand a squeeze. Phil's heart stuttered and if he had still been hooked up to the heart rate monitor, he would have had a lot of explaining to do. Jesus, why was he so emotional today?

 

"I think you've been in this bloody room for too long. Come on, let's have a cheeky wander around the hospital."

 

They walked further than Phil had ever wandered on his own. Dan chatted about the business with the leaked article; their YouTube representative had been in contact with legal counsel and they were making good headway. He had to be at YouTube headquarters all day tomorrow, so he wouldn't be able to visit. He recounted that he'd met up with Louise and they'd had a cocktail party at home. Then he talked about projects he wanted to do.

 

Phil had very little to talk about; Dan was here pretty much all of the time, so he knew which people had visited, what the doctor thought of his progress... Phil could only listen as Dan talked about the things he did outside visiting hours - all the fun he had, meeting with friends, working on videos... all without Phil.

 

They turned the corner into a deserted little nook, great glass windows overlooking the dreary grey buildings. Right then, the skies burst open and rain poured down. Phil felt something inside himself break at that moment.

 

Phil swiped angrily at the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. He turned away from Dan, he didn't want him to see his breakdown. He was just so tired of everything. The pain, the hospital, the lonely nights he'd had and all the lonely nights ahead of him. Dan would move on and he'd become just another friend, casually meeting up with him before he returned to his life, leaving Phil in an empty apartment.

 

He felt himself turned back around and before he could protest, warmth enveloped him. Two long arms snaked around him, pulling him close to Dan's chest. Dan pressed his face into his neck and Phil was surprised to hear him sniffle.

 

"Why are you sad?" He asked through his own tears.

 

"Because you're sad." Dan answered simply.

 

Gods, he loved him. And Phil finally gave up and didn't bother to keep it together anymore. He wrapped his arms around Dan as tightly as he could and just let all his emotions, everything he fought against and had bottled up over the past few days, wash over him. It was too much. He didn't even know how to start coping with everything that was falling apart. Right now he felt life was just an obstacle run and he honestly thought he wouldn't be bothering if it wasn't for Dan.

 

If life granted him nothing more, he would take this moment with Dan, pressed close and warm and just his, only his, if only for a little bit.

 

And so they stood for a long time in that abandoned nook of the hospital as the rain streamed down the windows.

 

###

 

Phil hardly recalled how he'd made it back to his bed. When he was finally all cried out, he was exhausted and his pain meds were definitely wearing off. Dan had kept one arm around him as he supported Phil back to the room. The journey was a blur - a hazy pained fog. He vaguely remembered a nurse helping him into bed, suddenly the pain quickly abating and then nothing.

 

When he woke again, Dan was gone.

 

He groped for his glasses - they were on his nightstand as he expected. He checked the time. 8.15. That meant visiting hours were just over, which would explain Dan's absence.

 

His thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of his favorite nurse, Rhonda.

 

"Oh, you're awake! How ya feeling, sweetie?" she said, patting his arm as she checked his IV.

 

"Okay, I guess. Loads better than this morning."

 

"This morning? Love, you slept through the whole day. It's a new morning."

 

"What? Seriously?" He checked the time again. 8.15... AM.

 

"Wow... I must've been tired."

 

"Hmm-mm. That _would_ explain why we nearly had to pick you off the floor when you and your friend finally came back from skiving off."

 

Phil suddenly felt really guilty. "Sorry... I didn't mean to be a bother."

 

Rhonda sighed, curls swaying as she shook her head. She sat down on the bed.

 

"Oh honey, don't feel bad. We all have our breaking points. Staying in a hospital isn't easy, especially when you're trying to work through what landed you here. That was traumatic. Your mind needs to heal too, just like your body. And it'll take some time, but it will get better. It's like a fever. It gets worse before you get better. You needed yesterday, so you can start healing. And you have amazing friends and family to help you. You'll be fine, trust in that, but accept that you need time. Okay?"

 

"Thanks Rhonda." Phil said quietly.

 

"Good. Now go text your friend. He spent all last visiting hour by your bedside, waiting for you to wake up." Rhonda said as she got up.

 

"The whole visiting hour?" Phil asked gobsmacked.

 

"And a little bit longer. Oswald said he didn't have the heart to make him leave, he looked so forlorn." Rhonda paused to study him. "You look surprised. Why?"

 

"I don't know... I've sort of been feeling guilty that maybe he felt obligated to visit me when he could be doing anything he wants with his life. I mean, we're good friends but -"

 

"Love, stop right there. You're not imposing on him. He's here every second he's allowed, because he wants to. He cares about you. Deeply. Don't question that, just accept it."

 

"Well, yeah, he cares, because he's a good person. I just don't want to hold him back."

 

"And if he was in the hospital? Wouldn't you do exactly what he's doing now?"

 

"Well... yes... but it's different for me." Phil admitted, blushing.

 

"I don't think it is." Rhonda said with a knowing smile.

 

"But... Bethany. He likes her." Phil said sadly.

 

Rhonda actually laughed at him then.

 

"Oh sweetie. He loathes her. Especially after she kept grilling him whether you guys were together. And by the way he's been actively denying it, I actually thought she wasn't far off the mark. And you know what they say, the louder you deny it..."

 

Phil felt a weight drop off his shoulders. So _that's_ why Dan was so distant from him when she was around. He suddenly felt better than he had in days.

 

"Oh, no, we're not together. Dan's definitely not into me."

 

"Well, I beg to differ." Rhonda said with a mysterious smile as she walked towards the door.

 

"Rhonda, wait! Why?" Phil asked, not about to be left with a cryptic message.

 

"Because then I'd lose the bet all the nurses have going. And between you and me - I haven't lost in 14 years."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

 

When Dan felt lost, he usually turned to Phil. But Phil had been utterly unhelpful, as he'd been the subject of his worries and unconscious to boot. He had been since that morning. So Dan had sought out Louise after visiting hours were over.

 

"I don't know what to do, Lou," Dan sighed as she poured him a glass of wine.

 

"I mean, I know a thing or two about existential crises and whatnot, but this is _Phil_. He can't hold on to any negative emotion for more than two hours. And I know, this is unlike anything else we've ever been through, but it's been four days. I just don't know what to do."

 

Louise took at sip as she joined him at the kitchen table. She set the bottle between them - they'd have need of it again soon enough.

 

"What do the doctors think it is?"

 

"Either side effects from the meds or some sort of delayed depressive reaction to the whole ordeal." Dan waved vaguely. "But it doesn't _feel_ like that's it, you know?"

 

"No, I know. I popped by yesterday, remember? He seems more sad than anything. Did anything happen maybe? Something we missed?" Louise pondered, swirling her glass in deep thought. "When did it happen exactly? Because to me, the change was very sudden."

 

"It was pretty sudden, wasn't it? His last good day was when you and PJ and Sophie visited, I think. After that, it was downhill."

 

"Yeah, that was when he started eating and stuff." Louise nodded.

 

"So it's probably because of that then. Phil said it went shit." Dan concluded.

 

Louise nodded and took another gulp. Then her eyes went wide and she held up her hand.

 

"No, it was _before_ that! Remember after Phil fell asleep, that red haired nurse came in and woke him up? After you and PJ got the fan mail? His mood went down like a ton of bricks. We thought it was because he had just woken up."

 

Louise's eyes lit up then.

 

"Because first she asked if you two were together... and then later you got that letter from the Dartford nurse who gave you her number. That's when he got sad!"

 

Dan rolled his eyes.

 

"How are those fanon goggles working for you? Comfy on that nosy nose of yours?"

 

"Stop deflecting, think with me for a sec. I'm onto something. Because before that visit you told me you had a really emotional talk with him and you were two peas in a pod. But then that weird stuff happened with Nurse Red and then yesterday you hardly looked at each other and today he completely breaks down. Was he avoiding you because of her?" Louise said, cheeks pink with excitement.

 

"It was actually me, okay? She cornered me, she immediately starts shipping us and asking all these questions... so I kept my distance. Phil's had enough shit to deal with before this crazy bitch showed up, he can't -"

 

"Daaaaannnn..." Louise groaned and let her head fall on the table with a dull thud.

 

"Oh, come on, Louise, you don't -" Dan sputtered indignantly.

 

"No, I'm going to spell it out for you one last time. First, Phil completely opens up to you during that phone call. You don't say anything back - okay, you couldn't, but Phil is the only one with cards on the table now. Next day, you get a love letter, Red comes by and suddenly you start avoiding him. Then he had an absolutely shit few days because of the food and such and _you're_ just stoically watching it from at least five feet away, because God forbid the nurses see you. He doesn't know why. Because you didn't tell him why, did you?"

 

Dan felt massively guilty.

 

"No..."

 

"And then he reaches breaking point, you finally give him a hug and he clings on for dear life. He _needs_ you. You can't pull away from him now. You need to tell him what he means to you, like he told you. You _need_ to show him some affection, he needs you now more than ever before. I don't care what some bimbo in scrubs thinks about it! If you won't tell him you love him, at least try and be closer to him." Louise said seriously.

 

Dan drained his glass and filled it up again.

 

"Louise... I want to be closer to him." He said sadly. "And you know that better than anyone. I want everything, but I'm so scared to lose him. That's just something neither of us can handle right now."

 

"Because you _still_ don't believe he could love you back and you're so scared you won't even give it a try. You know what's hurting him? You avoiding him!"

 

Dan drained half of the second glass and stared at the table.

 

Louise grabbed his hand.

 

"You know I'm saying this out of love, right? You two are so special to me and it's so, so frustrating to see you two dance around each other. And now it's really hurting Phil - and it's hurting you too, I can see that. I should lock you two in a room until you figure it out, but this is up to you. Remember that hug he gave you this morning? That's how much he needs you. Give him what he needs. If nothing else, do that, okay?" She said, voice breaking slightly.

 

Dan nodded, not daring to speak. He felt nervous and scared, but he knew Louise had a point.

 

###

 

Dan got up early the next morning. As Master Procrastinator, he had put off preparing for his meeting at YouTube headquarters until the last moment. Dan would go in Phil's stead, so that they didn't have to wait until he was able to attend. If things went well, they could reach an agreement on a settlement and close the case today. His eyes were growing heavy at the thought of drawing up the agreement. Dan wasn't sure why he ever thought he'd be good at law.

 

Luckily, his representative would take care of the legal legwork and had also prepared a memo, so Dan wouldn't have to read all the documents. He was thankful for that, because even the memo was still quite a few pages. When he leafed through it, his eyes fell on one specific paragraph, some sort of excerpt of a legal text.

 

_It is a fundamental human right to be left alone. The right to privacy, in its essence, encompasses the freedom to live life without interference of others, whether they be government or citizens. This is thought to be essential to flourishing as a human being to be allowed to dictate behavior autonomously._

 

Dan let that sink in for a moment. He hadn't felt free to dictate his behavior in years, always so careful what others might think. His fear of public reaction had influenced him since he made his first video with Phil, but now with nurse Bethany, it had been so much worse.

 

Dan mulled it over another few minutes, then left the pile of papers on the desk and set up his camera instead. He wouldn't have time to speak with Phil until tonight, but he could make good on his promise to Louise.

 

He pressed record, not sure where he was going exactly, but he could always edit...

 

"Hey Phil. Since I can't be with you until tonight, and we hardly spoke yesterday, I figured I'd leave a video message. You've had a couple of really bad days and I just didn't know how to help you through them. Do you remember when I had my college breakdown? I was a mess, but you just hugged me and told me it was going to be okay and you didn't let go until I believed you. I should've done that for you. I mean, before yesterday. Instead I kept my distance because nurse Bethany is a nosy shipper. I mean, how crazy is that... That shouldn't bother me at all, who cares what she thinks? So, I'm sorry, because I think I hurt you. I didn't support you the way you needed and the way I wanted to."

 

He sat back and worried over how he might continue. He bit his lip.

 

"I guess I want to be... more honest, I think? I mean, how I acted the past few days was not how I really am, it's not what I really wanted. I wanted to give you a hug because you were standing on two legs again, but I didn't because I didn't want a nurse to think something? It doesn't make sense, but it's basically what we've been doing on camera for years and it quickly spilled over into our personal lives as well. When the first shippers came, we made sure to sit further apart, not make certain jokes, no touching. But it's breaking me up inside. I don't feel _free_. I don't _want_ to think twice what something might look like to someone I hardly know. I'm sick of holding back, editing myself. Because it's not just on camera, it's all the time, all day long, even in the privacy of our home. And for what? After the past two weeks, we should be able to handle anything. I think we're closer than we act and I just have the feeling that the past few years we've been kind of... stifling ourselves, I guess? Or I have been at least. And I don't want to anymore."

 

He let out a deep breath, feeling lighter than he had in a long time.

 

"Wow, I really needed to let that out. Louise thoroughly kicked my ass on this yesterday and I think some of it finally stuck. I'm bummed that I can't visit until after the meeting. I hope you're feeling better. It's really scary to see you so sad, because you're such a positive person normally. You really are a ray of sunshine, you know that? You always cheer everyone up. And I can't believe how strong you are. No matter what life throws at you, you just grit your teeth and soldier on. And you never take it out on anyone, you're always so good to others. You really are amazing. You definitely have the most accurate username there is. And normally I'd never even dare say this, for fear of what anyone would think. But guess what, I want to say this and you need to hear this. I'll come by after the meeting. Hope you have a great day. Bye."

 

He stopped recording. He didn't watch it back, he didn't edit it, he scraped together his last courage and sent it to Phil.

 

###

 

Phil had a great morning.

 

He'd slept long and deep and it had done him a world of good. It was like the dark clouds had vanished from his mind and he was almost himself again. His ribs were still a little sore, but his stomach was feeling a lot better. It still took him some effort to get upright, though it was nothing he couldn't handle. He felt energized.

 

After Rhonda left, he had checked his phone and found the video Dan had sent him. He felt like he was on cloud nine. Dan _wasn't_ in love with nurse Bethany, Rhonda's story was right. And the rest of the message - well, it felt like there was a pack of wild butterflies unleashed in his belly.

 

Dan wanted to be closer to him. That made his heart do cartwheels. He wasn't sure _how_ close, but he'd take anything. Even if it meant no more than the occasional hug, he would still take it and run with it.

 

He wanted to call Dan, but right then the doctor walked in. Doctor Patil was a tiny woman, especially compared to Rhonda, who had accompanied her.

 

"Alright, Mr. Lester. Tell me how you're feeling. You were asleep for a long time. It looks like it did you well." She said, scribbling on her clipboard.

 

"Yeah, I feel loads better. I guess I just needed it." Phil answered, shooting Rhonda a knowing smile over doctor Patil's head. She gave him a wink in return.

 

The doctor nodded sagely. "The psychological side of medicine is often overlooked. Just like a negative mental state can cause all manner of psychosomatic disorders, a positive state can accelerate the healing process. And a breakdown can mean a breakthrough, like in your case. I admit I was worried it might be the medication, but that was clearly not the case. Now then. Let's check you over. If all is well, I don't see any point in keeping you here."

 

Phil perked right up at that. He was _so_ ready to go home. Rhonda helped remove his shirt and then the bandages. Doctor Patil hovered over him, humming and prodding as she inspected the wounds.

 

"It's healing well, definitely all closed up. We'll stop dressing the wounds. Exposure to open air will speed up the healing and reduce scarring. At this point you won't risk infection by leaving the gauze off. Very well. Let's see you sit up then."

 

Phil managed to get upright with only a small groan as his abs contracted.

 

"Very good. Just need to check your lungs and heart, but I think you can go home tomorrow." The doctor nodded.

 

"Seriously?" Phil asked excitedly. That was sooner than he expected.

 

"Seriously." Doctor Patil smiled. She grabbed her stethoscope and placed the end on the right side of Phil's chest, right beside his scar. "Deep breath." She instructed. Phil obliged.

 

She repeated the process on the other side of his chest, then again on both sides on his back.

 

"Sounds good. Both lungs functioning properly. No fluid." She moved the stethoscope to his heart. "Seems normal. So, anyone who can help you out when you get home?" She asked.

 

Phil immediately thought of Dan and the video he'd just seen and the nervous, elated feeling swooped through him again, his heart skipping a beat.

 

Doctor Patil frowned at the stethoscope. "That's strange..."

 

 _Oh shit_.

 

Phil felt his face go as red as a tomato. Rhonda cottoned on quick and burst out laughing.

 

"Oh, I'm so going to win." She snickered.

 

Doctor Patil looked at Phil's scarlet face and then at Rhonda and rolled her eyes.

 

"Are you betting again? I've told you a hundred times it's unethical."

 

"Not if you don't put money on it. And I never have, or me and Mr. Clark would be sipping cocktails in Jamaica right now." She grinned and handed Phil his shirt back.

 

Phil quickly pulled it over his head, hiding his face. He wished the ground would swallow him up.

 

"But seriously, he's going to be in good hands. All the nurses call his friend Head Nurse Howell. He's always up in our business, checking if we don't give him cheese or whether he's had his meds. He's here whenever he can. That boy could put us out of business." Rhonda smiled fondly.

 

"That's a special friend indeed." Doctor Patil smiled. "Very well. You're clear to leave tomorrow."

 

Phil couldn't wait. For many reasons.

 

###

 

He didn't know what to text Dan. He typed a message, then erased it, then typed something else and erased that too. He felt as nervous as a teenage girl trying to secure a first date. Eventually he typed:

 

_Thank you so much, it really means a lot to me. I have a huge grin now :) oh and the doc just told me I can go home tomorrow!!! See you tonight?_

Dan texted back half an hour later.

 

_Awesome!!! Yeah see you as soon as boring legal stuff is done!_

 

The rest of the day flew by. Martyn and Cornelia visited, together with his parents. Then later in the afternoon Jack and Dean stopped by.

 

But there was only one visitor he was really looking forward to...

 

###

 

Dan finally appeared at 6:20, looking rundown and bleary-eyed. He'd texted an hour earlier that it was all done, everything set up and signed in triplicate.

 

As soon as he saw Phil, standing by the bed, he grinned.

 

"Hey." He said and he wrapped his arms around Phil. Phil hugged him tightly. They stood like that for a while before Dan pulled back to look him up and down.

 

"You look loads better."

 

"Thanks. I feel better. I got a nice message this morning to cheer me up." Phil smiled as he sat on the bed.

 

"Wasn't it a bit weird? I thought it might be, after I sent it." Dan said hesitantly.

 

"Nah. I was just very relieved to hear nurse Bethany is just a shipper. For a while I thought you were in love with her, given how you were blushing and acting weird." Phil said, grinning.

 

"Is that what made you sad?" Dan asked, wondering if he went too far with this question.

 

Phil squirmed on the bed. "Look, there were a lot of factors..."

 

"So this was one of them?"

 

"It's not... logical."

 

"Yeah, well, you're not Spock, so it doesn't _have_ to be." Dan said with impeccable reasoning.

 

"It's just... I felt so alone and I kept thinking how you were going to leave with her and I would be all alone. It's... there was a lot going on, I couldn't really think straight. Never mind. Maybe it was the pills. Or maybe nurse Nathans wasn't wrong about that MRI." Phil said, waving it away and sitting back on the bed.

 

"Yeah, probably the MRI. I don't even _like_ nurse Bethany." Dan laughed.

 

"Me neither... she gives me matching socks." Phil muttered.

 

"Now how could I possibly be with someone like that?" Dan grinned and he set up the laptop to watch Blue Exorcist.

 

Secretly Dan was glad.

 

If the thought of Dan with a girl could upset Phil like this... well, maybe Louise wasn't as crazy as he thought...


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

 

Dan had arrived early to help Phil pack his things, and that was a good thing. Phil was messy on a good day and his stay in the hospital had not improved his habits.

 

Phil's parents were there as well, but they were stuck at the nurses' station under a mountain of paperwork.

 

"They're not happy I'm going home." Phil confided in him.

 

Dan, who was currently both a little bewildered and impressed to find a neon green sock on the windowsill behind the curtains, looked back over his shoulder in surprise.

 

"Why on Earth not?"

 

"They prefer it if I went with them to their house. They think it's too much to ask of you to take care of me. Said you might underestimate the amount of work." Phil said, eyeing him closely to gauge his reaction.

 

Dan stared back.

 

"You're worried that they have a point, aren't you?" He asked surprised. When Phil looked away, he fully turned around, crossed his arms and laughed.

 

"You're such a weirdo. Remember what I said yesterday? About me doing what I want to do instead of caring about other people's opinions?"

 

Phil nodded, looking a bit less worried now.

 

"This is part of the Zero Fucks Policy. Okay? There's nothing I'd rather be doing, so I'm doing it. What the hell can be so much work? Doing your laundry? Cleaning up your mess? Going up and down the stairs for the mailman to get _your_ packages? I've been doing that for years, you lazy oaf!" Dan grinned as he threw the sock at Phil.

 

"Hey, I'm not lazy!" Phil said indignantly, but he was smiling all the same as he sidestepped the sock easily.

 

Right at that moment, doctor Patil came in, only to have the neon green sock land on her clipboard.

 

"Sorry boys, not my color." She said as she primly deposited the item in the bag on the bed. Dan had his hands pressed to his mouth to stop himself from bursting out laughing and he glanced at Phil, who was turning red.

 

"Come sit down, we need to go over a few things." She said, indicating the bed. They hastily obliged.

 

"Just because you're going home, doesn't mean you're suddenly healed. Here's rule number one: no strenuous activity. Absolutely _no_ heavy lifting for at least another two weeks. Not a hamper of clothes, not a bag of groceries, not a heavy book. Alright?"

 

Phil looked down at the copy of _Prisoner of Azkaban_ he was holding. He'd been rereading it for the millionth time. Doctor Patil followed his gaze.

 

"That is fine, but no _Goblet of Fire_ and definitely no _Order of the Phoenix_. Now, I also don't want you to lift your arms too much, because of your ribs. It's fine if you want to pull on a shirt or get something out of a cabinet, as long as it doesn't hurt, but I don't want those arms above your shoulders for more than three seconds. So washing your hair by yourself is out of the question - no, don't look at me like that, get someone else to do it or wait a week." She said sternly as Phil pouted at her.

 

"Also, absolutely no alcohol while you're on medication. I've prescribed you enough to last you a few weeks, hopefully you won't need them after that. Remember, no driving or operating heavy machinery while you're on these. You can switch to aspirin as soon as you want, though I would recommend to use these pills for at least two weeks, give your body a proper chance to heal. Any questions?"

 

They both shook their heads.

 

"Good. Well then, it was a pleasure to meet you, though I sincerely hope I won't see you again." She smiled and stood up.

 

"Thanks, hope I don't come back." Phil grinned as he shook her hand.

 

"And remember, no strenuous activity!" She said and left the room.

 

Dan turned to Phil when the door closed.

 

"Yeah, remember that, Phil." He smirked.

 

"Why, is your mom coming to visit?"

 

"Oi!"

 

###

 

Saying goodbye to the nurses was a little sad. Rhonda gave Phil a big hug and said she wanted yellow gerbera daisies if she won. Dan had no idea what that was about, but living with Phil meant a lot of unexplained phenomena occurred. He had learned not to question everything. Then Rhonda hugged Dan so tightly he thought he'd turn purple, but Rhonda didn't release him until he had promised her he'd take good care of Phil. They said goodbye to Bethany as well, though not as warmly as they had to Rhonda.

 

It was strange... they were both a bit melancholic as they looked down the familiar hallway one last time.

 

But the look of joy of Phil's face as he walked out in the cool London air told Dan everything he needed to know. Phil was finally coming home.

 

###

 

Phil's parents dropped them off at home with all their stuff and then drove off again to get groceries.

 

Dan was grateful for that, because it meant they could take their time climbing up the numerous stairs to their apartment, without extra eyes on them.

 

Phil glanced at the stairs apprehensively and swallowed thickly. Dan moved to his side.

 

"One step at a time, side by side. Just like we've always done." He murmured. Phil shot him a grateful smile and grabbed the banister.

 

It was slow going.

 

Dan had his hand on Phil's elbow at all times, gently offering support. At the bottom of the third flight of stairs, Dan thought Phil looked very wan and made him take a break.

 

"Go on, sit down for a bit. I'll bring up some bags from downstairs, you take a little break. We've got all the time in the world. Nothing strenuous, remember?" He said as he helped Phil sit down on a step.

 

"I don't care what the doctor said. I just want to get upstairs." Phil grouched.

 

"You adopting my Zero Fucks Policy?" Dan grinned. "You want to go now, go ahead. I'm just going downstairs to grab some bags."

 

Phil glared at him, knowing full well he needed Dan's support to make it all the way upstairs. Then he sat back in defeat.

 

Dan took that as consent and bounded down the stairs. He grabbed two bags and the mail as well. He saw an official looking envelope and he recognized the sender. His stomach swooped. This was the document he'd been waiting for. Now he just needed to figure out a way to bring it up with Phil... He'd worry about that later.

 

After Dan had dropped the bags upstairs, he returned to Phil. They resumed their trek, but this time Dan wrapped an arm around Phil's waist. Phil returned the gesture.

 

Phil was white as a ghost when they finally reached the living room. Dan carefully untangled himself as he helped Phil sit down on the couch. He had his eyes closed and there were lines of pain around his eyes, his mouth tight.

 

Dan stroked his fingers over Phil's fringe, sorting it out.

 

"I'm going to get you some Ribena and a few of those happy pills, okay? Don't move."

 

Phil didn't answer. Dan hoped his parents would be shopping for a while longer, because if they saw their son like this, they'd kick his ass. He hurried to the kitchen and quickly returned with everything he needed.

 

Phil's eyes were half-lidded now. He looked knackered.

 

"Sorry." He said.

 

"Don't be." Dan replied. Phil took the pills from him and swallowed them, then tried to hold the glass but his hand was shaking. Dan helped him drink, then set the glass on the table.

 

"Maybe all those flights of stairs were a bit much. Come on, have a lay down." Dan remarked as he helped him lay down on the couch.

 

"I'll be okay in a bit. Don't worry." Phil said, closing his eyes again and giving his hand a squeeze. Phil was asleep before he could let go.

 

Dan sat down on the coffee table and absentmindedly stroked his thumb over the back of Phil's hand.

 

It was good to have him back.

 

###

 

When Dan was younger, he used to try and move objects with his mind.

 

For hours he would stare at a pencil or a cup, furrowing his brow and focusing on it intensely, willing it to move this way or that. It never worked, but that never stopped him from trying. It was just one of those phases most kids had - and in Dan's case it may or may not have continued until he was 19.

 

And today he tried it again.

 

Just like in his youth, it failed each and every time. No matter what he did. He tried it sitting down and standing up, he tried it from an angle, he tried it in the kitchen. He even tried it by using the mirror in the living room as a reflective surface to enhance his brainwaves. And all the time concentrating all his mental powers on this one simple command:

 

_Go._

 

To no avail.

 

Mr. and Mrs. Lester proved immovable objects.

 

Not in the sense that they wouldn't move around, but they just wouldn't _leave_.

 

After Phil's catnap, which had energized him greatly, Phil's parents just kept sticking around. And Dan had some sympathy for that; their son was freshly out of the hospital, accompanied by a lot of caveats from the doctor. He understood. His best friend had _died_ two weeks ago - _twice_. And now he was home, skinny and tired and way too weak. So Dan knew what worry looked like - he'd seen it in his mirror. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

 

Besides, Phil's parents were lovely people, great company, very sweet and caring. Really, he had no good argument to ask them to leave, except that he just wanted to spend time with their son. Alone. But he would never ask them to leave for that reason, so he settled on Jedi mind tricks and being a good host. If nothing else, he could prove to Phil's parents that he _was_ willing and able to take care of Phil whilst surreptitiously Derren Brown-ing them back up north.

 

They stayed for _dinner_. Dan said it was no problem - of course it wasn't, they'd gotten the groceries. He should've seen the trap when it was set, but now the net was closing around him. So he smiled and cooked the best damn stir-fry he ever made.

 

When Phil started yawning around 8.30, they finally got up and said their goodbyes. Dan accompanied them to the front door and let them out. When he got back upstairs, however, Phil seemed quite awake. Dan narrowed his eyes.

 

"You weren't that tired!" He said, understanding what he'd done.

 

"I'll give it another hour. I just wanted a little bit of chill time before I really get sleepy." Phil said, looking like he did not at all feel guilty. "So, what are we going to do with our free night?"

 

Dan remembered his envelope. "Wait here." He told Phil and retrieved it.

 

He felt nervous, not sure how Phil would react. Or if he wanted to... He sat down at the table opposite Phil, the envelope in front of him. He hardly dared to look at Phil.

 

"When I was at YouTube the other day, I asked our legal counsel to draw up another document. It's called power of attorney. It means you can make all sorts of legal and medical decisions for me if I'm not capable of doing it myself. When you were in ICU, I wasn't officially allowed to see you. Only by a stroke of luck I got to stick around. I don't know what I would've done if I'd just been stuck at home, waiting by the phone. All the nurses told me friends weren't allowed... but we're not _just_ friends, you know. With this, you'll be first in line. Like a Fast Pass at Disney."

 

He grinned at Phil nervously. Phil's eyes were wide, mouth slightly open, but he didn't say anything. Dan ploughed on.

 

"And you know me better than my family does, so if anyone ever needs to decide to pull the plug or something, I want it to be you. Instead of my parents. Because I know I'd trust your judgment. But you don't have to." He added hastily. "And you don't have to decide now, I know it's a lot to take in. You even get to choose what kind of decisions you feel comfortable making and which ones you prefer to leave out or -"

 

"No." Phil blurted out.

 

Dan fell silent as his heart sank.

 

"No, I mean, no, I don't want to leave anything out." Phil added quickly. "I'm all in." He blushed furiously, then stood up and walked around the table.

 

Dan stood up just in time to receive a massive bear hug.

 

"Thank you. Wow. That's amazing. Thank you." Phil rambled.

 

Dan was grinning like an idiot as he hugged back.

 

"I want you to be that person in my life, too." Phil whispered.

 

"I'd like that." Dan grinned and pulled back. "I'll give you his e-mail address, he can whip it up in no time."

 

He opened the envelope and pulled out the documents. He frowned - there were two sets. One had a post-it note on it with a message.

 

_Figured Mr. Lester would want one too. -S._

 

Phil burst out laughing, letting his head drop on Dan's shoulder.

 

"We are so predictable."

 

"That son of a bitch..." Dan grinned, shaking his head. The documents were complete - inclusion of all rights, they only needed to sign on the dotted line.

 

And they did.

 

###

 

Phil was pretty exhausted by the time they were done, but he really wanted to watch the latest episode of Blue Exorcist.

 

"Come on, if we watch one now, you'll fall asleep and I won't be able to drag you to bed." Dan reasoned.

 

Phil had a perfectly logical solution: "We'll get changed into our pajama's and watch it in bed. Then I can fall asleep immediately and you can go to your own bed or do whatever you like."

 

"You sure?" Dan asked hesitantly.

 

"Sure. Now come on."

 

And so Dan found himself lying next to Phil on his bed, laptop on his legs. As Dan predicted, Phil truly started yawning after only one episode. But he was surprised to find he himself was pretty much wiped out too. It _had_ been a strange day.

 

"I'm not sure if I can get up anymore. Your bed is so comfy." He sighed.

 

"Hmm. Just sleep here. Get the light, will you." Phil yawned and threw the covers over them both.

 

Dan hesitated - but not too long. He was still on his policy of doing what he wanted, so the decision was made. He reached over to the light on the nightstand and clicked it off. He was asleep in seconds.

 

###

 

Waking up next to Phil was something Dan had always hoped, but never expected to do. So when it finally _did_ happen, he was most displeased that his bladder was about to burst. He tried to hold it in, to spend a few more minutes just looking at Phil, so peaceful and beautiful in his sleep - but no. He had to get out of bed.

 

When he made it back upstairs, Phil was up and in the kitchen.

 

"Morning." He greeted happily. "Can you finish the coffee? I need to pee too."

 

"Sure. Give a yell if you need help on the stairs."

 

"I'll be fine." Phil smiled and passed behind him, letting his palm rest on the small of his back for a second. Dan's mouth went dry.

 

He was back in a couple of minutes, looking a bit tired but hardly worse for wear.

 

"So what do you want to do today?" He asked.

 

"I'm aching for a shower. My hair is just a mess. Can't believe I have to wait a week." Phil said as he sipped his coffee.

 

"I could wash it? You know, hairdresser style. You can sit on a chair and lean back, I put a bucket under it and try it like that?"

 

Phil's eyes lit up. "Really? That would be awesome."

 

As Dan ran a bucket full of warm water, Phil arranged the chairs in the living room and got a few towels. Dan placed the bucket on the chair behind the chair Phil would be sitting on, so it would be right beneath his head. It might work, he thought.

 

"Maybe I'd better take my shirt off. That's bound to get soaked." Phil said, and pulled it off.

 

Dan hadn't seen the scars up close and his mouth fell open as he saw Phil's torso. A jagged line of raw, pink flesh ran down the right side of his chest and another wider one ran across his stomach. All the bruising had faded, so these two lines stood out sharply against his ivory skin.

 

"Wow..." Dan said and inadvertently placed his hand on Phil's chest, fingers hesitant beside the scar.

 

He looked up. Phil was staring at him with an unreadable look on his face and he was close - way too close.

 

"Sorry." Dan mumbled and he stepped back. "Go sit down."

 

Phil obliged, sitting down on the chair and resting his bare feet on the coffee table. He let his head fall back and closed his eyes. Dan's stomach swooped and swirled as he saw Phil sit like that, half naked, eyes closed... his heart probably sounded like it was whirring now.

 

Dan repressed those urges and set to work. He grabbed a cup, filled it in the bucket and used it to wet Phil's hair. When it was sufficiently wet, he squirted some shampoo in his hand and massaged it into Phil's hair.

 

Phil sighed as Dan ran his fingers over his head, kneading and stroking. When he made a rotating motion with his thumbs at the base of his skull, Phil sucked in a breath with a low groan and his toes curled.

 

Dan was addicted.

 

He forgot about washing hair - he set out to elicit those amazing noises that shot straight to his groin. He let his eyes roam over Phil's face, those amazing lips parted slightly, that Adam's apple and slender neck he wanted under his mouth, to lick and suck to see how hard he could make him moan. His eyes roamed further south, past the scars, down to his belly. He couldn't see further, couldn't see what sort of effect he was having - Phil had conveniently placed the pile of towels there, but Dan could see how his fingers gripped the material.

 

Phil arched his neck, pressing his head against his fingers. Dan obliged by curling his fingers just the way he knew Phil would like. He was hooked on this - he immediately knew this wasn't the last time they'd be doing this.

 

Phil let his eyes fall open. His pupils were blown wide as they focused on Dan, his gaze steady and smoldering.

 

Dan's heart worked overtime. Phil _wanted_ this. He knew it now. He saw it. He let his fingers fall away and -

 

The doorbell rang.

 

They stilled.

 

"Are you kidding me." Dan moaned brokenly. "Who in the hell..."

 

"It's Louise. She said she was coming by..." Phil's voice was low and deep and hit all the right notes in Dan.

 

"We'll just let it ring, she'll leave."

 

"She has a key."

 

"Fuck."

 

Dan wiped his soapy, shaking fingers on his pajama pants. He didn't fail to note his pants were obviously tented. He made a beeline for the receiver.

 

"Hi."

 

"Hey, it's Louise!"

 

"Lou, you gotta give us like... five minutes."

 

"Two. Or I'm using my key. It's bloody cold and it's raining."

 

He didn't even answer that, it was no use. He returned to the living room.

 

"Come on, she's coming up in two minutes. I need to rinse and dry your hair."

 

Phil was beet red and didn't say anything. Dan worked quickly, thinking about dead puppies, spoilt milk, grannies in tutus - _anything_ to clear up the situation in his pants.

 

True to her word, Louise came up two minutes later, but both of them were reasonably presentable by that time. She greeted them warmly, settling herself on the couch and chatted away about the latest boy she'd met.

 

Dan and Phil weren't listening, but kept shooting each other glances whenever they could. They both knew what had been about to happen - and what would happen once Louise left.

 

After an hour, Phil had pulled the fake yawn for the seventh time and Louise finally took her cue.

 

As Dan heard the front door fall shut a minute later, he turned around to find Phil already standing there. Phil looked into his eyes, then down to his lips and Dan lifted a trembling hand to his cheek.

 

He let his eyes fall closed and he swore to God he heard angels sing when he finally, _finally_ felt those amazingly soft lips on his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucky number 13... :) only one more chapter left to round up some stuff. Thank you for all the lovely reviews and kudos, I love you guys!


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

 

He had dreamed about this moment a thousand times, but his fantasies proved dull and unimaginative compared to reality.

 

Dan's heart was thrumming when he felt Phil's lips move softly, tentatively, against his own. His scent, his taste, the feel of his skin under his fingers - Dan was powerless against him. Phil was coursing through him, rushing like a tidal wave. The onslaught of sensations was heady and Dan just let it wash over him. He was weak in the knees but the sheer desire to stay connected to those amazing lips was what kept him upright.

 

Too soon the kiss ended and Phil pulled back. His eyes were questioning, as though he was silently asking Dan if he was okay with this.

 

Dan answered that easily enough. It was a stupid question anyway. He moved one hand to the black locks he adored, the other hand on Phil's arm and kissed him again. This time, there was a hunger there. Phil quickly responded in kind, eagerly moving with him. Dan gasped as Phil's fingers curled into his hair and Phil drank him in. Dan had been starving, he realized. He had been for seven years. He ran his tongue over Phil's bottom lip, trying to get access and when his tongue found Phil's, sensations exploded in his brain. He was addicted.

 

Phil's hands were roaming, exploring him while they were kissing deeply. Dan thought he was moaning, but Phil's lips stole all his sounds. All his nerve endings were on fire. The scrape of nails on his scalp as Phil tightened his grip, the soft fingertips dancing over the small of his back - and that sinful tongue dancing with his own. He was being pulled in all directions, torn apart in the most delicious way.

 

Their breathing was ragged when they reluctantly pulled away to get some much needed oxygen. There was no doubt in Phil's eyes now. There was lust and joy and love. It was a good look, Dan thought dazedly.

 

Dan thought they would need to talk. That's what you do after that pivotal moment, don't you? After that all-important first kiss? Then came the confessions, the perfectly structured professions of love and devotion, poetically worded and heart-melting. But Dan didn't think he could pronounce more than 'ungh' at this point.

 

Phil's eyes drifted down to his lips again, eyes dark with desire... Dan figured talking could wait.

 

###

 

They spent the rest of the day kissing, holding hands while watching TV and grinning stupidly at each other over pizza. Dan had a drop of tomato sauce on the corner of his mouth - Phil kissed it away.

 

"You've no idea how many times I've wanted to do that."

 

"You must really like tomato sauce." Dan joked.

 

"I love tomato sauce." Phil said, staring him straight in the eye.

 

"I love tomato sauce too." Dan said honestly, his heart doing a little dance.

 

Phil kissed him again.

 

The pizza went cold, but it tasted better like that anyway.

 

###

 

Dan woke up next to Phil again. This time he could luxuriate in the feeling. Phil was still asleep, his face relaxed, dark eyelashes against pale skin. There was a small smile on his lips - or was that just his perpetual crooked smirk?

 

He felt like he was getting to know his best friend all over again. He already knew what Phil looked like when he lost at Mario Kart (again), when he was happy, when he was sleepy. He knew what food Phil loved, what films he liked, what size shoes he had. After seven years, Dan thought he knew Phil pretty well.

 

And now he got to know a lot more. Now Dan knew how he tasted, how he felt pressed up against him. But what would he look like naked? What would make him moan? How would he feel inside him? Yesterday they hadn't gone further than kissing. There was still so much to learn.

 

A nervous sort of excitement whipped through him. They had just stepped over the threshold of something _big_. And that something was them. Together. A couple. Boyfriends. In a relationship. _Phan_ , as some people called it. Those crazy shippers were not as crazy as he thought. It seemed like half the world was more astute than he was. Or maybe they just hadn't been so bloody scared as he was. Because it was big. The biggest thing to ever happen to Dan, anyway.

 

Phil woke up slowly, blinking his bright blue eyes against the soft morning light. _I could drown in those eyes_ , Dan thought as he looked his fill.

 

"Hey, you." Phil smiled. Dan bent over him and dropped a short, sweet kiss on his lips.

 

"Good morning." He whispered as he sank back on his pillow, facing Phil.

 

"I want to wake up like that every day."

 

"Okay." Dan obliged. "But if you wake up first, you have to wake me up like that, okay?"

 

"Deal." Phil grinned.

 

Phil was lying on his back and tried to get on his side to face Dan. He tried it too quickly though and he hissed as his stomach twisted uncomfortably. Dan immediately pushed him on his back again.

 

"Slowly, remember? You need to heal." He reminded him gently.

 

"Yeah, sorry. I kind of forgot... it just felt so perfect." Phil said, cheeks red. Dan rewarded him with another short kiss.

 

"I was thinking... we can't do anything... physical just yet. You're on heavy pain killers and you can hardly move. I mean, you can barely turn your body, you can only go straight."

 

"Strange, I've never felt less straight." Phil said deadpan. "Alright, you're right, I'm sorry. No funny business yet." He amended at Dan's glare.

 

"Good. Now I'd better get out of bed before it gets too hard to restrain myself." Dan said, though he leaned down for another kiss all the same.

 

They kissed slowly and lazily, already becoming familiar with each others' lips. Dan withdrew reluctantly when he recognized the passion starting to build in his veins.

 

"You're making this very difficult for me." Phil said, voice low. "How am I supposed to stop doing something physical when you're here, kissing me and looking so beautiful?"

 

Dan forced himself to be stern and sat back on the bed, crossing his arms.

 

"Not yet, okay? The doctor said, nothing strenuous. It has been only a week since you even got out of bed. I don't want to have to call the doctor and get the blame for you tearing open your wounds."

 

"But _Dan_..." Phil sighed, putting on puppy dog eyes.

 

"No. If you really need physical, on your head be it. But it's gotta be between you and your hand. I won't have any part for now."

 

Phil pouted. He looked adorable, but Dan remained steadfast. The wounds had scared the bejesus out of him and they clearly still hurt a lot.

 

"But Dan... I _can't_ do anything by myself." He said sadly.

 

"Why not?" Dan frowned.

 

"The doctor said, no heavy lifting."

 

Phil didn't even bother to dodge the pillow Dan flung at his head.

 

###

 

When Dan was making coffee, Phil walked in behind him and slid his hands around his middle.

 

"I was thinking... we still need to punish Louise for interrupting us yesterday." Dan said as he leaned back against Phil.

 

"Hmm... what were you thinking?" Phil murmured against his skin.

 

"Just prank her. Nothing too cruel. She's been hoping we'd get together for years." Dan said, fighting every urge to crane his neck to give Phil's lips access to that sensitive skin.

 

"You can Skype her, tell her I've got a date. Let her believe it's someone else for a bit, then tell her we're dating?"

 

"That would only work if we were actually going on a date, Phil." Dan said coyly.

 

"Does anime on the couch count as a date?" Phil grinned.

 

"Fine. For now."

 

"You're the best boyfriend ever."

 

Dan's eyes lit up at that and he blushed bright red.

 

"You're beautiful when you blush." Phil whispered. He kissed his cheek, grabbed his coffee and walked to the living room.

 

Dan stayed in the kitchen a bit longer. If he was going to Skype Louise, he shouldn't look like a fire engine.

 

###

 

"Hey Lou." Dan said, putting on his best I'm-okay-no-really-face for the camera. Phil was at the table, not visible to Louise.

 

"Oh honey, are you okay? You look so sad! What happened?" Louise immediately fell for his facade.

 

"I'm fine... it's just... Phil has a date tonight." He rushed out.

 

He should've been an actor, really. The pining tone in his voice, heartbreak in his eyes, this was Oscar material.

 

"No! No, really? What? Who? Is it someone from the hospital?" Louise said, hands to her mouth in shock.

 

"I didn't ask who it was." It was true, he hadn't. He hadn't needed to. "It's not someone from the hospital, I think." More truth. This was easy. Cue sad face, end scene.

 

"Oh my God, sweetie, are you okay?" Louise asked anxiously.

 

Maybe it was a bit cruel, because Dan could see she cared so much about his feelings. But then he remembered the case of _headmassagus interruptus_ and thought she could handle it for a bit more.

 

"I don't know... I'm strangely okay with it." He said wistfully. Well, he was _definitely_ okay with it.

 

"Dan... I know you. This has got to have a big impact on you." Louise said in her no nonsense tone.

 

"It does." It did, indeed. "I'm just sort of happy Phil has someone who seems to make him happy." If 'sort of happy' meant flipping ecstatic.

 

"Who is it? Is it a girl? A guy? Come on, he must've said something!" Louise prodded.

 

_Alright, tricky questions, time for phase two._

 

"Oh, wait, he's just coming in. Hey Phil!" Dan said. "Come say hi to Louise!"

 

Phil came into view as he eased himself on the couch. "Hey Louise!"

 

"Hi! How are you feeling? Dan says you've got a date?" Louise immediately bulled over him with the question.

 

"Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it!"

 

"But isn't it a bit soon, you just came home!" Louise said a bit frantically. Dan could tell she just couldn't handle this plot twist.

 

"Nah. Sometimes you just _know_ , you know. And then you've got to act on it." Phil said airily.

 

"But... but... who is it then?" Louise was clearly lost now.

 

"You almost found out yesterday." Dan grinned.

 

He decided Louise had suffered enough.

 

Louise's eyes showed nothing but confusion. Phil stepped in to finish up.

 

"But because you interrupted us, we have to do our date now. In fact, could you get the popcorn, Dan? I'll pop in a movie." Phil asked Dan.

 

Louise had her hands against her mouth again, eyes almost popping out of her head as she tried to process the information.

 

"I don't think she believes us." Dan remarked. "Maybe she needs proof?"

 

Phil obliged by kissing him slowly and tenderly. When he pulled back, Louise had dropped her hands.

 

"OH MY G-"

 

"Bye Lou!" Dan said as he closed the Skype window. Then he closed his laptop and burst out laughing.

 

"Oh my God, that was great! She was so confused." Phil guffawed.

 

"Come on, let's start our date." Dan said when he finished laughing. "But just so you know, I want a proper outside date once you're healed."

 

"Outside? You want to go outside? It's like I don't even know you anymore." Phil said. "It's a good thing I love you." He added softly.

 

"I love you too." Dan said, grinning like an idiot.

 

He had never felt so happy in his entire life. And this was just the start.

 

~~~Finished~~~

The sequel is now up! Mind you, it's M-rated! It's called Rise Again. Check out my page to find it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINISHED!
> 
> Thank you so much for everyone who's left kudos or a comment, and a very special thanks to the people who have commented as I was writing and uploading. So many times I just wanted to quit because I got stuck, but your lovely reviews helped me overcome my writing nerves. Your encouragement means the world to me. So much love to you guys!!!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Phoenix Down](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8173478) by [Cloechecksmyflow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloechecksmyflow/pseuds/Cloechecksmyflow)




End file.
